Sink (Poem)

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When I was younger, I was one of those kids who prided himself on being the man to go to when people had questions about life. When people needed help I was the guy that had all the answers, despite not having any life experience to back up my words, I still prided myself on that fact. That I could be the guy that would be there to help others through life. This was especially relevant when it came to relationships. I remember regularly talking my friends through relationship problems before I had been in one of my own before I had any real-life experience. I don’t necessarily think everything I said was bogus, but I know for a fact I didn’t lead my loved ones down a wise path. I often offered self-indulgent information that would be the “what you want to hear” as opposed to what you needed to.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot as of late as more of my friends are winding up in relationships and how often I come to them asking for advice on how to be a better boyfriend, a better man, a better person in general. It is so easy to offer other people advice in light of your own shortcomings. You know what you do wrong and you know that you need to fix it, but somehow the way our minds work we just don’t want to listen to ourselves. That’s why I think those people are so important. You can go to them, and they can tell you what you should hear despite you already knowing it and already wanting to abandon your own advice. They reinforce it if you’re lucky. They’ll hold you accountable for yourself which is especially helpful when you are self-destructive and often flounder around your mind with thoughts of the unmade ideas in the back of your skull.

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www.linmtba.com for a calendar of blog posts + other content coming out each month. (Sometimes they are a little late, sorry!)

Separation Therapy

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Welcome Back

(Wanna see a schedule of the weekly releases? Cool, I thought you might.)

I find it most comforting that after a long day, I can come home and visit my girlfriend, relax and do whatever I please. I am blessed with the comfort of knowing I am taken care of. I am comforted knowing that I have a home. A place to sleep. A place to think.

I took some time after my birthday to just be, for a while. A lot has changed since the day I decided to put forth something worth consuming. I have spent so much time only soaking in things and I wanted so badly to put those things back into the world in a new way. I just didn’t know how.

Hell, I still don’t know how, but I’m building.

I’ve noticed a problem in my work pattern and my personal life that needs to be addressed publicly before I can really work on it privately.

I’m terrible at owning up to things. I am possibly one of the most passive aggressive people I know, I am cluttered, and I am messy, and these things make up a pretty spectacular light show failure as each connected bulb pops one by one.

I have a hard time committing to a schedule, even though I schedule things adamantly. I have a purpose, and in an effort not to let this block of text bore you into slumber, I’ll get to the point.

I have a purpose, but somehow, I don’t know what I want to do. I have so many things in my back pocket that I slowly chunk off one by one with each passing day. I work adamantly at everything that I do and I come tell all of you about it on the blog. But what is it truly worth? I’ve seen a decline in the way I’ve been behaving. Short tempered and obsessive. Things I am not, not truly.

I came to be a part of this world and not to simply absorb what others can offer me. This led to my break. After a rather impressive period of high stress and panic, my own insatiable despair mounting in a way I had not anticipated I found myself somewhat lost at the crux of this moment that I had spent so much energy preparing for. My birthday is often a big deal to me, something that I choose to celebrate all month long with my friends and family, as well as any fans I’ve picked up along the way.

I have lists and lists of birthday related projects that I want to work on with each new year, I have novels to write and poems to create and I know all of this consciously, but I realized that I wasn’t in quite as much control as I’m used to this spring. I was set to finish my latest work in progress in March, and I put it off every day for one reason or another. Spend time with friends, family, girlfriend, random dogs I find in the street, whatever.

As a creative I often find myself caught up in things. Things that vary in importance. I can spend hours looking up fantasy names for a D&D campaign and do absolutely no work. I can spend the night playing video games instead of sleeping. I can spend a day in a coffee shop reading instead of studying. I can do all of these things and I have this profound ability to waste time, but it is wonderful.

The fact that I have this choice at all, is wonderful.

I have been blessed with a monumental gift that I have often squandered. In most blog posts, I’ll tell you that I mean writing. Not today. That isn’t the purpose of this blog post. This is a reignited fire. A part of me that sleeps so frequently and finds itself awake in the midst of a torrent. A part of me that is alight with energy because I felt the presence of this wonderful gift that each of us shares.

We exist.

We exist and there is a clock on our heads. There is a moment where everything will run out and we will be gone forever, but between every ticking second, we have all of the time in the world. We have all the ability we could ever hope for to stop the clock and look around us. To make time stand still and really see what it is we get up and fight every day for.

I needed a moment to do that, so I’m sorry you didn’t get anything from me all through the last month. Then again, without that break I wouldn’t be here now, would I?

I don’t know. That’s the beauty of life.

I don’t know anything, and it is my job merely to learn and experience. Everything afterward is a choice of my own making and there are few things more beautiful than that.

Take a break today, rest the stress off. Play video games. Watch a movie with your kids. Just…

Live.

 

Bigger (Poem)

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I’ve been struggling recently with the amount of stress I’ve been under. It’s been difficult to keep everything in one place and running smoothly. I’ve been faced with things I haven’t had to face in a long time and that uncertainty breeds a level of fear deep in my heart I wasn’t prepared to handle. More often than not I’ve found that I’ve needed to lean on myself to an extreme degree. But looping around myself constantly has been a challenge in and of itself. Still, there is no amount of stress that I can’t face. There is nothing that can overtake me. My power does not come from myself. It comes from Something much bigger, much more powerful than I am.

(I will be posting my weekly blog post later today as well, I didn’t have time to upload my poem this week + I’ve been struggling with internet shortages all week as well delaying my Dyzygy video being posted, but it will be up this weekend I promise!)

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The Darling Bones is still on sale for $7! Go pick up your copy today + enjoy a suspenseful story about a young man who has lost the most important thing from him, while he comes to grips with losing the love of his life, he finds out that she was taken from him and the darkness that enveloped his whole world returns, fighting to take him over.

But he will not relent, he will not succumb, neither should you.

www.linmtba.com

True Cleric

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I do what I do to help others. I know that not everyone needs what I have to offer, but someone, somewhere does.

As long as I can remember I’ve been a person that my friends come to for advice or help, for a laugh or for comfort. I have been a healer for as long as I remember playing this game, and because of that I have been witness to some terrible things. The world is a mean and rotten place sometimes, the shadows behind us can grow and become bigger than we ever thought they would, but there is still a glimmer of hope.

Shadows only grow when the light is brighter.

I bring this to you today, because I was scrolling through Twitter on a break from work and I saw someone I’ve followed for a couple years who I never really speak to tweet to their followers:

“The worst feeling is when you give all of your healing soul to someone and they take that from you.”

“I have a healing soul, it is my nature, but when I need healing, where is everyone else?”

“That’s all I’m saying, the people who heal you are broken too. I want to be healed.”

I was caught off guard initially by the series of tweets because it sounded like something between a cry for help and a cry for attention.

So I thought I’d do what I do best and talk about it today.

I will never tell you that there are people out there who don’t need encouragement or help or healing. We all find ourselves in times of distress or fear or whatever other damaging moment that life sends to you. We all have moments to shine and we all need moments to recover, but there has been this growing notion recently about people. It started with “Old Souls” and has grown to be so much more than that. Before I get into the hook here, I want to be clear with you, reader, I have been guilty of the very thing I am here to discuss. I am no stranger to the desire for attention and help. I need it just as much as the rest of us do, but that doesn’t change one important thing about our lives.

If your purpose is to heal, then you will heal. It is your purpose.

Explicitly and divinely appointed to your heart are the desire and the necessary tools needed to have a healing spirit. That being said, we have grown lazy in our interpretation of healing. The kindness that so many of us spend on one another has become a game of who can catch up faster. Social Media posts riddled with self-aggrandizing images of us helping the homeless or standing alongside a burn victim who we brought to the hospital, the stink in our heart of our desire to help and to heal has been infected with a more powerful urge to be noticed for the things that we do. I can be accused of this as well, even in some moments bragging about the kindness I share on this very blog, where two years later I disavowed those things I said, or rather, the way I said them.

There rests a fine plane between kindness and healing for the sake of purpose and doing it for the sake of attention and I’ve seen that when we say things in the vein of “Look at what I did today.” Or “Why is it that I give my all to help others, yet when I need help no one is there?” it tends to come from a place of attention hungry infection, not true healing or hope.

If we are designed to be healing spirits, why then, would we seek to do anything outside of our original purpose? If what we say is true, we are healers for the sake of being healers, why would we seek retribution or payment for simply acting out of our base instinct?

We wouldn’t.

Unless of course, we were maligned by infection of some sort.

In as much the same way we seek approval from our peers for marital, athletic or creative success, we have ventured into seeking that same approval from genuine actions such as empathy and kindness. There should be no payment due for healing given. We are not doctors. We are Clerics. We are healers and we should expect nothing in return for what we do.

Healers are, at their core, people who are capable of indescribable love. Sometimes I doubt that it is my own purpose, but I am trying to remember that I know what I should be doing. I’m trying to remember that I know where I should go. I will remember + I hope you all do as well…

There is no return payment on love.

Feel Every Yard (BIG Announcement!)

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Before I get to the post today, I promised you a couple things from Wednesday. Sorry if it was a tad bit misleading, I wasn’t about to shout out some cool stuff if I wasn’t sure it was happening, but here we are.

So, first of all, I’ve been releasing a few shirts over on Teespring for Random Acts Creations. Year One through Year Four shirts/hoodies/v-necks are available now + I don’t plan on pulling the stock ever. I’m working behind the scenes to release a spring line towards the middle of April this year. It will be full of rad stuff like hoodies, T-shirts, and phone cases. (There is more but Imma keep some of it a secret!)

Second, I’ll be releasing a compilation of poetry from the blog itself (edited and updated, I promise.) Some of em were pretty rough around the edges but They’re shaping up nicely + you’ll be hearing more about them towards the third quarter of the year.

Third, I’ll be putting out another blog compilation this November, Year Five is going to come with a lil bonus though, I don’t want to give you too much about it, but I’ll tell ya you might want to keep some space available on your wall. 😉

All of that being said, if you’ve made it this far, you can check out my website, freshly updated and looking super fly to see my release schedule every single month. I’ll have days scheduled for blogs, poetry, YouTube videos + anything else I’m doing. Don’t think I’ve been forgetting about some of the older stuff you all loved. Over on the S+I Facebook page i’ll be bringing more happiness and inspiration than ever before. Snapchat will be live with some new tutorials just for kicks and I have SO much more. 2018 is just getting started and your favorite hippy is swinging harder than ever.

Best believe that.

It’s funny how they say time is money when we are so reluctant to spend time but we will freely throw away our time. Before I get into this week, I hope that you spend much more time this week than you do money, it is so much more valuable and so much more appreciated.

Last week I was having a conversation getting to know a new coworker and discovering their interests when they told me something I have said to others. We were talking about his passions and his dreams and he told me that he wanted to travel, he was going to set up a motorhome and just drive around the country in the next three years. That his dream was to see every state in the US and then he continued by saying something I have said countless times before.

“I know it seems stupid…”

Right before he launched into the description of his dream since he was a child, he wanted to touch every piece of dirt in the USA and he looked away from me in shame as he told me that.

It rang a bell inside of me that has been softly ringing since the day I picked up a pen.

I remember when I was that kid, unsure of my future with lofty goals and dreams, this grand desire to be all that I am working to become, an author, a YouTuber, a poet, a musician, a business owner, a chef, a friend and a blogger among so many other things. I remember being in that exact same place, telling others that my dreams sound stupid.

That was before I found The Buried Life, I’ve written about the show before + in case you’re new around here and have been hiding under a rock, they set out with this idea to cross off items from a collective bucket list and along the way help others cross one item off of theirs. The show + corresponding book inspired me so much that I decided to do the same.

It’s funny how these things that cross over into my head overlap so often. It is a still small reminder that my purpose is clearly defined and I cannot stop building for it, fighting for it and praying for guidance along the way.

I lost my job and began to panic about making money, how I could support myself still, how I could keep moving forward and what I could do to pay my bills, when I was provided for as if by magic I silently prayed a thanks and kept moving, without realizing that I had begun orienting my time beneath making money. The time I spent with friends decreased, the time I spent working increased and I began to trip up a lot, wondering if I was worth it or whatever.

Well that’s some shit if I’ve ever heard it.

Talking to my friend I was reminded of the madness that my life has become and how I enjoy every last second, every last wasted cent, every last smile and tight embrace between myself and those that I love.

This life is so much more than we always think it is. In the midst of darkness, for you or me, there is always light. You have your purpose and I hope that you consider it if you feel lost today. You have dreams and goals somewhere within you, you have a calling and there is no greater sin than wasting you valuable time.

Spend it instead, searching for the next step and moving forward. If you want to become an author, start writing. Streaming on Twitch? Download the app and go. There is no back tracking as long as you are aware that you are accomplishing goals and dreams with every new step you take. So don’t stop stepping.

Just get out there, climb in your motorhome and hit the road. We have a long list of items to work through, it is going to take a minute…

…and every minute will be worth it.

Thank you so much for reading.

Thoughts 3 (+ an Announcement!)

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It’s been a while since I’ve come to level with you. I haven’t really said anything about projects that I’m working on + have been absolutely SHIT at talking to my readers + friends through here, twitter, Facebook, or Instagram where I should be better about interacting with you. I mean, you hit up my blog twice a week and read what I have to say. It’s pretty unfair for me to be such a ghost.

The fact is, I’m terrible at communication. I’m getting better, so that we’re all on the same page, this Friday I’m going to have an updated website with a bit more information + some graphics to explain what is going on behind the scenes. I’ve got some things up my sleeve, clothing, poetry, YouTube videos + more content here on WordPress. I have three large releases planned this year in the various fields of Salt + Iron. I’m excited to share it with you, so come back this time Friday. I’ve got news and you’ll know all about it then.

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www.linmtba.com