Our Ribs Are Cages (Year One 2014.2.28)

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I woke up earlier than I anticipated this morning, which was probably the world’s way of telling me I’ve been sleeping too much. I woke up and rolled around on my bed fighting off the urge to go back to sleep, trying to convince myself that I could just stay in this not asleep, not awake limbo. It only lasted for a while. I decided that it was pointless to try and fight it, so I rolled off of my bed and started the day against my will. This morning I found out that last night after I got back from my errands, I drank sour milk without realizing it, I’m almost out of toothpaste and then my eye started hurting. Two years ago, that would have been enough things that had gone wrong that my day would have started off on the wrong foot and I would’ve let myself complain the whole rest of the day.

Not anymore.

I don’t believe that I have anything to complain about, period. No matter how bad things get, I was blessed with an incredible life. If I happen to die after posting this blog I think it would be an appropriate last one. I want them all to be good “last” posts, because I can’t guarantee life. I can only live the best one that I know how. I want to impart the things I know to others. While it isn’t much, I know how to live a good life. Its something I have been working on for a while, because I think its important.

People have fought over this for years, trying to justify it with religious ideas, or spiritual ideas. People have called it a lot of different things, and they have ignored it in the vast majority. They’ve put slogans on T-shirts and coffee mugs, and posters in downtown New York City. It’s simple really, the secret to a happy life is to love people. Love them regardless of their faults, and the things that bother you about them. Just love them, that’s all the matters in the end. I want to do that. I try really hard to do that, too. I think so at least.

People act like life is this huge mystery and we have to spend our days trying to figure out why we’re here. I think that we are here to love people. That’s all. Beyond any religious, or spiritual or scientific idea I have, I think that loving each other is our whole purpose in life. I mean really loving them though, not like a performer “Oh, come out tonight and show me love.”, or a person overusing its meaningfulness to make it meaningless. “Oh I love her/him. They’re great.” “I love the way the rain smells.” I won’t lie and pretend that I don’t use love in ways that I shouldn’t. I just love. That’s what I want to do,

Love is what makes me happy.

 

That being said, I’ve given you the secret to life. This whole crazy existence that springs up and grows and dies all around us is beautiful, and if for one second you don’t notice it, millions of blessings slip right between your fingers. It is love. Love is so much more than a feeling, or a verb. It is a real, almost tangible thing. When you look, you can see it. You can feel it inside your very bones.

 

It shakes you.

Truly loving anything will shake you to the core. It might terrify you. It might not. There is a good chance that truly loving anything is the most dangerous thing that you can do. It exposes you. So many people only truly let themselves love a handful of things throughout their whole lives and not to make it sound bad but I don’t want to live that way. When you love a lot, you get used to your bones rattling and after a while, love rattling your bones doesn’t scare you anymore.

 

There is a picture that I found on the internet that says “Our ribs are cages, because our hearts are wild.” and I find this easy to believe. Everyone knows that love as an emotion comes from your brain, but love as a lifestyle comes from somewhere within your soul. It is this powerful wave of emotion, and feeling, and action. It is almost impossible to explain. That is the very nature of love.

 

It turns pain into glory.

It turns weakness into strength.

It turns fear into excitement, and all of this into love.

It is one of the only things in the world that multiplies itself like that.

Love has the power to turn bone rattling earthquakes into comfort.

 

If you are one of the people who tells me “I can’t be happy with life like you are.” or maybe, “I don’t understand how you can act like you do all the time.” This is why. It is because I love, with every cell in my body I want to love.

 

I say I love everything, and I do. I try to at least, I think that it’s important. Love is important, it is the thing that holds this whole universe together. It keeps us from spiraling into madness and allows us the privilege of knowing one another. Every person I have met in life has been a mix of good and bad things. When we love them, it makes the terrible things they have done, or that have happened to them seem a little less terrible.

 

If you feel alone right now, like you just can’t go any farther, or that you’ve already given everything you have to give… I’m here to tell you that you’re far from done. You have a whole life to lead, and you are getting close to the end. It doesn’t matter how old you are, or what shape your body is in. Your life is happening, right now. I don’t want anybody reading this to waste another second of their time doing anything but loving other people. You don’t know when they will be gone, you don’t know when you will be gone. So take the time right now, to call those that you already love and let them know.

 

So right now, stop letting yourself believe that you don’t have a say. Stop letting the ground shake around you and terrify you. Life is yours to live. So rattle your bones and love, with everything you have. Love until your skeleton dances along with all of the tremors that life gives you.

I hope you enjoyed this peek back to the past, if you did, consider picking up my Life is not Meant to be Awful Vol. 1 compilation featuring this + many of my other blog posts!

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Show Your Fangs

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Welcome back to the blog, damn. I know I’ve been gone for a while. I was moving into my new place and it took me a while to get internet installed. If you caught the vlog last week, you know the deal. If not I’ll fill you in.

I’m starting off with saying sorry, I didn’t realize how much of a bummer i’ve been lately. Especially this year. I guess things got a little out of my control, I just kept saying “I’ve got it together” and didn’t ever write anything other than that. sooo…. this is the last one of those posts. I just wanted to clear the air a bit before we get going. The rest of this year is going to be much better, cause this whole world is at my fingertips. (The same goes for you, in case you didn’t know, friend.)

I love you guys, always remember, Life is not meant to be awful.

You want to know something beautiful?

You can smile, right now, no matter what is going on. You can peel your lips apart and let the whole world in front of you see your teeth.

That’s damn beautiful.

For those of you who have been keeping up, Noose Ends has been much different than my last few years of blogging. I’ve tried new things, I’ve experimented with poetry in ways I never have, and most importantly I have written differently this year than any of the three before it, which has been great for my creativity.

That’s great, how I’ve done it is no good.

As I wrote this blog post I began to recite to you the things you’ve heard a thousand countless times this year from me, about how I’ve been stressed or working hard with nothing new to show, about how life can feel big and scary and I know for a fact that If I continued writing it out I would’ve told all of you that “you can do it.” Or “you have the power.”

But I wouldn’t mean what I was saying. Not really, anyway.

I was looking back on my previous blog posts from this year, some of them pulled from the same inspiration I once found between two loaves of wheat bread I didn’t have to pay for.

Most of them, came from the darkness inside of me. They glorified the struggles and emphasized the defeat. I wanted to tell you I’m grumpy because of all the struggles and stress and all of that shit.

I was going to play back the ticker tape that I’ve let consume my whole of 2017.

What the hell, man?

You’ve heard all of this shit a million times, but I wanted to rehash it once more here for you because we all have these days. We all feel burdened and stressed and we all struggle. I’m here to tell you, man, you are not alone.

I’m right here with you.

Let me catch you up…

Moving into a new place has been nuts. The A/C unit is busted. My bills are expensive. I live upstairs.

(I have a roof over my head. No A/C has made me step out and enjoy the outside a bit more. I am blessed with a job that gives me money to pay my bills. I don’t have to worry about people stealing my stuff because its that much harder to get to.)

I’ve struggled with quitting smoking, going strong for almost forty days before falling off the wagon a day. Then getting on. Then getting off. Then getting on. Right now, I don’t know whether I’m on or off.

(As many times as I’ve stopped, I’ve started, but I’ve still stopped with the intentions in my mind. Addiction is overpowering, but there isn’t one person I know with more willpower than me. I will run out of excuses to smoke and one day, my lungs will thank me with bright pink breaths.)

I’ve been struggling with music and relearning how to do everything, frustrated that I can’t play like I used to.

(I’ve had to relearn some of my favorite tunes, but damn it felt so good to feel that “first” learned feeling again. I might not play like I used to, but relearning means I get to have a second shot at adjusting my bad habits and making them good ones.)

Work has been a lot to handle, bad reviews seem abundant, customer and employee complaints. Squabbles between coworkers. Some of my close coworkers leaving before I wanted them to.

(I am blessed with a job, for every bad review I’ve received I’ve gotten to talk and commune with six great customers who believe in the message I am trying to send. The complaints only get to me so that I can take them and make sure they get fixed in one way or another. I hate when people fight, but in watching the squabbles unfold I’ve realized the many ways that I can better myself as an employee, a person and as a friend. My coworkers might be gone but I am thankful for the time I got to spend with all of them. Memories have been made with those people that I couldn’t make with anyone else.)

I’ve been too out of touch to meditate, or read, or watch movies. I’ve fallen off of my gym routine almost in tandem with my smoking habit coming back on.

(Being that out of touch has allowed me a moment to step outside of my own head, it’s what allowed me to write this post. It taught me to make time for the small things that I enjoy thoroughly. My gym routine might be on and off, but it comes and goes like smoking. One day soon I’ll be in better health all around. There is nothing to worry about.)

I’ve clicked every button in my head to make me stop immediately snapping out at my friends and family and I always have a shitty grimace on my face. I live during the night and I sleep all day long. My sleep is becoming more important than my work.

In fact, I feel some days like everything is becoming more important than my work.

(This is the biggest one. My temper came from the mishandling of my emotions, but through it I’ve discovered that the way I began to handle problems was unhealthy. I felt as though I had worked them out but truly didn’t, meaning that they didn’t go away at all. I’ve learned through the grimacing that I have so many opportunities to just shut up and smile for a bit. The night air is refreshing, but sometimes I need to step out into the sun to be reminded that this life is a gift. The warmth of the sun is great at sending that message. I sleep more, which means I am more rested. When I am more rested, my mind works that much harder. The creativity hasn’t stopped flowing for days now.)

I grew selfish.

(So I gave.)

I grew needy.

(So I created.)

I became enamored with things that would not reflect my love.

(So I loved more things, with more passion.)

I grew unhappy.

(So I smiled.)

 

You aren’t alone in this, and I’m here to remind you of that. But it won’t be through this silly negative bubble that I’ve colluded within. No politician, no addiction, no stress, no damage will be enough to stain my smile.

Sometimes, that is all it takes.

Smile a little bit and the world will spin around for you. Especially when you are asked to smile. It helps a lot, I promise.

If you missed it, check out the Talking Floorboard post from this week Blessing of the Vampire here or @alvatobiasbooks on Instagram.

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