I hope that this Christmas you find some rest if you need it. I hope you have some friends if you need them. I hope you find a smile. I hope that you can wrap yourself up in Christmas lights and laugh with anyone, even yourself.
I know the holidays can be hard, and I hope that I can help. In whatever way I can.
Sometimes my mind goes off into this insane place, especially when I haven’t slept much. This week has been a sleepless week. I’ve been tired, but full of joy. This season has always been a wonderful one for me, luckily.
I know that I might stand with the minority, a lot of people I know hate Christmas. It’s a sour season for so many. There are many tragedies that surround the holidays and those terrible things compared to the cheerful attitude of others can make a Grinch out of the best of us.
My heart goes out to you if you hate the holidays. I hope that things get better.
It brings a certain sorrow to me when I hear of a friend who struggles during the holidays, a friend of mine lost her husband in December. Another friend got into a pretty bad car accident a few years back. She still dislikes Christmas because of it. I know a lot of these stories like the back of my hand. When the snow is falling and I’m laying in bed unable to sleep, I like to think about those moments. Not out of sadistic pleasure.
I just have a fascination with ghosts.
The nightmares of the past have a tendency to manifest in the present as spirits of the things that never came to be. I’m lucky that it doesn’t happen to me, but I wonder what it’s like sometimes, to be reminded every Christmas of the bad things that happened before. A girl I used to follow on Twitter lost her father around Christmas some eight years ago, she still struggles with it to this day.
Of course, I don’t know. Last Christmas she did. Since then I haven’t heard or seen from her, and it makes me wonder how quickly the people in our lives can become living ghosts. Two Decembers ago I was visiting a friend in Alabama, and now she is starting a family and I still have no ghosts.
I think it’s a defense mechanism, for me. Plenty of things have come and gone and I could easily attribute it to the holidays. Christmas is just a good time to be blue, but I prefer to be a dark green or maybe a pale yellow. I’d rather think and pray for others than worry about myself this season. Something about laying in bed staring at my ceiling and wondering why my life didn’t turn out differently seems selfish. I have nothing to wish for. Nothing to ask Santa for, so I ask him for things to give to others.
I hope that this year, if you are weighed down by the ghosts, that you can spend some time with someone you love and drive around the city looking at Christmas lights. That’s something that helps keep my ghosts far away from me. The twinkling lights are like crosses in the snowy sky, and it’s magical. Their radiance keeps the spirits far away from me, and I need that.
My ghosts haunt me all year round.
I don’t have anything remarkable, compared to the next guy I’ve lived an easy and well-charmed life. Without needs and without heartbreak, but I still wonder sometimes if the winter wants us to meet our ghosts to talk to them.
I haven’t spoken to that friend across the country since I went to visit. We just went different ways. Maybe it’s a ghost that haunts me. Maybe it’s a snowdrift that’s just playing a prank. My cousin went missing in the winter, they didn’t find her body till the following spring and I wonder if that’s a ghost trying to get to me, to make me consider my life and how fragile it really is.
I’ve been thinking about my blessings a lot this year. Depending on who you ask, I suppose you could call it privilege. Regardless, I’ve been given much that I did not deserve, and I’ve been saved from much. I keep reinforcing that because I want you to know that I’m not speaking from a place of arrogance or selfishness.
I’ve just been wondering lately how to help my friends whose ghosts come around so much stronger this time of year. I wonder if the lights help them, too.
I know they help me.
I think about my cousins that’ve passed all year round.
I think about the lost friendships I’ve left in snowdrifts years before all year round too.
My ghosts just make themselves apparent in the summertime, I guess.
I wonder if David Bowie was still alive that we could sing Peace on Earth and it would become a reality. It’s a nice sentiment, isn’t it? That we sing so much about peace all winter long, and there is so much war inside of us.
I hope your war comes to an end tomorrow. I hope you can have a couple days of peace. I hope you can enjoy your Christmas.
Every year I think about all the things I’ve gotten to do, and every year my blessings are uncountable. There are so many things I take for granted, and I can never count them all when I’m gathered around the tree. I’m struck with a pang of sadness this morning, knowing that not everyone can know that feeling.
I hope this year you do. I’d give up all my presents for you if it would help you. I’d take all your ghosts if I could.
But I can’t.
Maybe that’s my only Christmas Ghost.
The Ghost of Christmas Want.
I want all the people I know to have a good holiday, I want everyone to smile once this year. I want you to enjoy your holiday no matter how you spend it. I want us to have a moment of peace, for a moment.
Maybe make the ghost of David Bowie smile, too.
Maybe make your ghosts afraid of Christmas lights.
This Christmas, even if it seems impossible, I hope your load is lightened. It’s not much, but it’s all I have to offer. I can’t do much else, because I can’t touch your ghosts. I can only touch mine, and mine have gone missing. Maybe I’ll find them next year, but I hope not. I hope our ghosts go on to rest.
God knows they need it.
God knows we do too.
Thank you, and Good morning. I’ve got a whole lot more stuff coming out today + I’ll be hanging out online for a while if you want to reach me and talk. You can find me on social media @alvatobiasbooks + I hope that if you need a friend this Christmas you can reach out to someone.
I’ve had a great holiday season, and I hope that yours is twice what mine was.
If you’re struggling, reach out. There’s nothing wrong with it. don’t feel embarassed or afraid. This season should be about giving. Give your ghosts to someone else for a while. Someone who wants to hold on to them for you.
If you missed the latest content, you can find it all on Salt + Iron Productions. There’s only four more days until Christmas!
If you missed the latest short story, Bad Ritual, you can find Part One + Part Two here. Part Three comes out later today!
If you liked today’s post, please like it + share it. I’d love any of what I’ve said that’s touched you to get out to more people.
I hope your day is as great as you are.
Make ’em Mean.
Categories: Umbral Dawning