Sometimes it’s hard to stand up and face the day.
No one expects you to be brave all the time, every once and a while, even kings need a break.
Let yourself take a break, come back stronger when you do.
But don’t give up.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Please consider yourself today. Don’t be hard on yourself for not feeling up to the task. Do what you can, forgive what you can’t and try again tomorrow. The world will still be there when you wake up.
I hope you’ll be there still when I do.
I’ve been writing for most of my life, I’ve been making music for about half of that time, and I’ve only recently started drawing and really trying to be a graphic designer. I love to read, to play games and to create things from nothing. I want to be a teacher. I want to be an author. I want to always know that there will be a tomorrow.
The thing is, that not all of these are guarantees. No matter what I’ve done successfully in my past, there will always be something that scars me and scares me into the future. I’ve come to understand that I am always running from something. I don’t know what it is all the time, but there is always something that frightens me. The idea of becoming a father, the idea of marriage, the idea of actually getting everything I want.
What will I do then? I ask myself.
These thoughts scare me.
The future is so uncertain, but as a man who writes books that haven’t been released, and a man who fell into a dark pit of scheduling and planning every drop of sweat that falls from his head, I spend a lot of time in the future out of habit.
Those fears of the things that have yet to come terrify me.
What will I do when I become a father? Likely, I’ll do the same thing I’ve always done. I’ll power through my fears and I will overcome them. What will I do when I am married? Likely, the same thing I’ve always done. What will I do when I’ve achieved all of my dreams? Well… to be honest with you, I never will. I know that. Even if every thought I’ve ever had about a life pursuit becomes a reality, I will still think of more. It is the curse and the blessing of my mind.
It never turns off.
Because it never turns off, pretty often I find myself awake at night pondering my own life, my plans, my ideas, my status. I wonder often if I will ever become a teacher, I wonder often if I will pursue everything the way I want to. So much changes so constantly that I don’t know what my outcome will be. I think that’s the point of life, however. We can’t wait until we cross the finish line to begin the race. We must fight for kindness and love, no matter how frightened we are.
I often find these fears in everyday tasks. I am worried I’m not performing as well as I should at my job, and because of that, I find that I lash out and get mad. I worry that I am not a good enough boyfriend, and I am filled with that anger.
But it isn’t anger. It’s fear. Fear that comes from not knowing all of the answers.
But I’ve spoken about anger too many times already, anger isn’t why I’m here today. I want to address something that is a bit more personal, a bit harder to understand and a bit easier to explain.
Have you ever laid in bed all morning and thought about the things you have to do? Your bills, your classes, your job, your duty to your partner? Have you felt that ever closing grip like fangs of a wolf on your throat, threatening to squeeze all the air out of your lungs?
I have. I feel it often.
I am no stranger to the fear of the future, and even when it comes out in anger or sadness, I know that it will come again.
I like the thought of life coaches. These people who have stuff so figured out that they are impossible to tackle, they are impossible to overcome. Their entire lives are based around four laws or a great big secret that are just unequivocal bullshit spewed through a positive picture frame that tells you that you can do it, no matter what you can do it.
I do the same thing, maybe one day I’ll sell out and I’ll become the next Rhonda Byrne.
I don’t think so, though. Because I know it just like you do too.
I organize these same mantras for myself, the same paths to walk. I have the five laws, I have the laws of the kings, but they aren’t laws so much as they are guidelines for a healthier lifestyle. They remind me to focus on today, not tomorrow, not yesterday. Today.
I like the thought of life coaches, but I’m not one. I’m not cut out for that, because I feel it like you do.
Those terrible fangs.
This project has been a blast, and I’ve had so much fun working on it but I’d be lying if I told you I hadn’t panicked when it began. I’m so good at starting a hand and folding before I’ve won. I let that fear take over. The numbers are too big, I want to do too many things. I listen to too many people telling me everything other than what I need to hear.
So I lay in bed and I ponder.
What if I did write those five laws out for others to see? Just to make a quick buck. What if I didn’t become a teacher, but I went to work at the mines to work on my self-help book even though I don’t always know how to help myself?
What if I don’t have all the answers?
It’s in those moments where the fangs are closing in that I can see the beast in its entirety. It’s just us, with our horrible mouths and razor-sharp woes. A piece of us that is stuck to the ceiling and it hangs there on most nights. Silent as the grave until something sparks them to life, these echoes of ourselves.
I think we all experience it. Even Rhonda Byrne. But when I’m faced with that demon inside myself, I don’t just think it out of existence. I look it in the eye and fight those thoughts off, because that’s all we really can do.
In those moments of utter desperation, which for me come in the form of sleepless nights, I’ve gotten into the habit of giving my girlfriend a kiss and getting a glass of water, sitting at my desk and writing something. Anything.
Because anything is better than nothing.
Maybe the blog post I wrote last week will secure me a new path in my future, maybe someone will like it so much they’ll want to give me an opportunity, maybe not.
Either way, I got out of bed and I got away from that toothed beast above me.
Because I had to.
I didn’t do it because of some myth maker in an audiobook I spent $15 on. I didn’t do it because my friends told me “hey you’re fine, just work through it. Be positive.”
I used to say that too. Just be positive. Life is okay, you just gotta be positive.
Of course, I still do, but it comes with a different weight now.
I used to say it like one of those life coaches, I think some part of me really wanted to be a life coach when I was just out of high school. Like, hey man I have this new way to be alive. You just be alive, no worrying, no nothing. Don’t even consider the problems and the faults in logic and reason we meet day to day. Just live and live and you’ll be alright.
Of course, things change. I don’t say it like that anymore.
I’ve been dealt some heavy cards, and I’ve felt some things that a guy who just lives and loves shouldn’t feel. I’ve struggled with a lot of things, mainly inadequacy because I couldn’t be happy all the time like some of my heroes.
Truth is, whether we like it or not, sometimes life drags us through hell. Sometimes things are hard.
You wanna know the real secret?
Think good things, about yourself, about others. Don’t hold your thoughts back and pretend you don’t have mean and spiteful imps inside your skull. That won’t do any good. When you have those terrible thoughts, think better ones. Make it a choice. Eventually, it’ll become a reflex, but it takes time. Healing takes time.
The secret to life is to live it. Just live. Get up in the morning and know that your existence is a miracle. There is so much on this rock that we can be proud of. There is so much out there that we can see, and we have the expressed privilege of getting to see it all. One story, one song, one photo at a time.
Just live, not because you simply can. Live because you were given the chance. Live because you know that your existence means something. If you have to go searching for a reason, I hope you find one. I hope I can help. Because I want you to stay around. This world is so much better when you’re a part of the family.
Live, not because someone told you to.
Live because it is all we have. Live because you have to. Live, because right now, even when your right now has a million teeth, right now is a gift.
And always love.
Thank you for reading today’s content! (It was supposed to be yesterday but hey, I can afford one slip up can’t I?) Its real bright and early here + I’m spending my morning finishing up the rest of Mean for the Holidays before I kick off the final weekend festivities before Christmas.
Only a couple more days, but you’ll hear that a lot until the 24th.
I have a lot of content coming in these next couple of days. I hope you’re as ready for it as I am.
If you’re hungry for more, or perhaps missed something you can check the links below or head over to the website to check out the full list of every Mean for the Holidays piece I’ve put out this year.
(Heads up there’s a few things there.)
Here are some of my favorites from this event! Enjoy. ❤
The joy of having a child, overwhelming.
The fear of becoming a father, overwhelming as well.
There are some things in life that just aren’t fair, but that doesn’t mean we should quit fighting for the best of what we have.
Want to stay caught up on everything happening after Mean for the Holidays ends? Be sure to follow me on social media!
Categories: Umbral Dawning