I think it’s really easy to be mad.
It’s easy to be mad when a customer comes in five minutes before you close the restaurant. It’s easy to be mad when your car has troubles you don’t know how to diagnose, so you can’t fix them. It’s easy to be mad when you see your friends in tough times. It’s easy to be mad when you lose something valuable or meaningful.
It’s easy to be mad at the world for the lot you’ve been given.
But is it worth it?
I’ve recently concluded regarding my own life that I harbor a lot of pent-up aggression, which often times comes out through my writing. Unusually violent scenes or moments in my stories that don’t quite add up. Things that seem out of place in the grand scheme of things because truly, they are out of place.
For example, the brutal death of a side character in a recent work, a short story I considered publishing elsewhere online, who died for no reason. Their purpose in the story held no more weight had they been killed, so why did I kill them? I could just have easily written them out of the story.
Instead, I took a knife with my words and ripped them to pieces. Shredded whatever they had left of a body. Their letters spilling to the floor like spent bullet shells, nothing but holes in a manuscript that didn’t serve a purpose. Their death left the work with more loose ends that I didn’t have a way to tie up.
The saying “Life imitates art” is an apt comparison to what I’ve been feeling in fleeting moments. I’ve been wondering to myself for a long time if I am just a bit too weird, just a bit too out of place, just off board enough for those in my life to find me expendable.
It’s no secret.
I’m easily taken advantage of.
Despite what tough talk may escape my lips, or what threats I may make regarding an asshole customer or a friend walking the thin line of what is acceptable to say. I’m easy to manipulate because I allow that anger inside of me. I allow it to get in and roost there without so much as a suspicion that it hasn’t been paying its rent.
See, I used to think that holding anger at bay deep within my heart made me stronger, more resilient. That it made me a bold and powerful human, that I could manifest rage deep within me and never let it out. I would refuse to unleash the beast, and still acknowledge that it was there. Taking up space in my two-bedroom heart.
I am mad about so many things. The status of my writing and the customers who step into my place of business, just to abuse me as a servant. I’m mad that I am so easily taken advantage of and I’m mad that I choose to do nothing about it. I’m mad at the supporting players in my story for one reason or another. I keep fistfuls of vinegar in bottles beside my bed stand ready to throw at them when those frustrations wake me from my slumber.
I’ve long held these waves of anger within me, and once upon a time I was capable of holding it all in and back then, when I was a stronger man, I could manage those emotions and all of that red blood in that red room inside me.
That isn’t the case anymore, because I misunderstood the definition of that room.
I believed so earnestly that it was a place for me to hide my anger, to stow it all away and keep it a secret. To pretend to be cheerful and yellow on the outside, but that red monster inside of me grew and grew. Each new day that I chose not to dispose of it, I let it grow. More anger and hatred added on to the pile.
Each moment we let those things build upon our hearts, we draw nearer and nearer to a crime of fantasy. With each new customer, each new car failure, each new fight between friends, each newly perceived betrayal…
We find a knife manifesting between our lips. Slowly, and meticulously, our words change shape. No matter how desperately we try to enlighten others, to enjoy their time, that knife gets bigger and bigger and every time we clamp down and hold our tongues it slices through our teeth like the razor it is.
Behind it all, that anger is clamped around that handle, burning us with our own hot iron.
When our anger grows to be too much, we find that we can sustain the visceral damage no longer, and we commit the crime we have so desperately been trying to avoid.
We lash out.
With words, most times. Sometimes with fists, or worse, real knives. We take the supporting character to us and we kill them with the things we say about them, to them. We take the essence of joy from them if only for a moment, and that moment changes them forever.
When the pain within us is great enough, it changes them forever. We don’t kill them, no. But we kill a part of them with each slash of our tongue. These explosive words erupt from us without control, and before we know it we find ourselves standing before that supporter, that friend, that coworker, and we realize what we have done.
Holding that anger within your heart isn’t powerful at all. It is dangerous. It doesn’t make you a better person to fill your heart with anger. Even when it’s well concealed, because one day maybe soon, that anger will begin leaking out.
When it finally breaks free, it will grip your throat with its long-gnarled claws…
And you won’t be able to stop it.
Dispose of it as soon as you find it. Remove the thoughts from your head, your heart, and your home. Do not let that evil in. When you find it, exorcize it like a demon. Get it out and get it away from others. Talk things through, scream, vent. But don’t hide it away.
Otherwise, those evils will see the light of day once more.
I promise you that much.
Thank you for stopping by to read once more today, wherever you came from I hope that you’ll share this post and talk about it. I’d love to hear from you.
What do you do with your anger? Bottle it up? Express it through art or otherwise? Are you one of those people who can let things breeze by you? Feel free to comment, let’s talk about it.
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Recently I’ve begun the process of upgrading Gravity, My Enemy for the future, and as I’ve explained it so far I’d imagine that means relatively nothing to you so allow me to explain.
I’m doing a handful of things with the blog in the coming months, using a conceptual teaser I’ve developed called Firesoul. I’ve listed the upcoming changes below for clarity and for understanding.
- I will begin releasing new content on the blog, under a new tag. “Loremasters” content will be exclusively short stories and concept pieces I have been and will be working on in the future, to give you an in-universe look at some of the other aspects of my writing.
- I will be making the blog a bit more user-friendly. Meaning that ideally, fewer clicks for you to see the content that I’m releasing and a simpler way to view said content.
- I’m cleaning up my backlog quite a bit, and adjusting how you find old content. Searching for the tags of the previous movements, you’ll now be able to find all of the blog posts from that year. (i.e. if you search “Noose Ends” in the future, all of the poems and related blog posts will show up for you, hassle-free.)
- I’m changing the style and the content of the main blog to make it more time friendly. I am a long winded person by nature, and that is clear in my blog posts. I have found a style through the years of writing that is specific to me, but at times that long-winded style should be reserved for more important and pressing matters. (Like explaining why I am no longer releasing long-winded blog posts. Now, having used the term long-winded far more times than necessary, I’ll explain that the blog posts will be shorter on average than they used to. Meaning that you will not have to delegate as much time to read. This change comes coupled with the next change.
- My blog topics tend to vary dramatically, as such, it’s hard to pin down what I will be talking about each week. I’ve always hated the concept of gimmicky clickbait titles, but I’ve had to give in to some degree. Now, on the title of the blog post itself, I will be posting a small synopsis of what the blog post itself is about. (ex. Our 150 (What do I do about all these friend requests?) This will serve as a method for definitively distinguishing the blog posts from the poetry + from the Loremasters content I am preparing to release.
- I am also adjusting the content release schedule. For the last 8 months or so, you could find a calendar on my website detailing all of my blog posts and poetry and their release dates. For the time being, I’ve disabled this feature because, to be honest, it was unnecessary to do. I would spend a good thirty minutes every week scheduling the images on the calendar because I’m a neat freak and want things to look as nice as possible, but those thirty minutes could have been better spent editing or reviewing the things I’ve written.
- I am going to be including a (much shorter) post-text to the blog posts after this campaign ends, for now, it will be included at the bottom for those interested in what the Firesoul is all about. In essence, I want to use this blog as a method of communication. I am great at standing on a soapbox and talking to you about all these things I think I know, but I want to hear the other side as well.
- I will be posing some questions after each blog post, just to see what my readership feels like in regards to what I’ve stated. This will not likely happen on every post, but a fair share of them (specifically ones I would love to talk with you about) will include these questions.
- There will be a handful of other, smaller changes to the blog. All of them meant to assist you, the reader in navigating the site and having more to engage with regarding Gravity, My Enemy as a whole.
- Bonus: I’ll be linking the URL for the compilation volumes on the blog pages itself, and soon all of the books will be made quite a bit cheaper than they are right now.
One (two) more thing(s):
Thank you for reading all of that, and if you’ve come this far I want to let you know that after the Firesoul campaign has finished, I’ll be giving away a few things. Namely:
I’ll have more information about the giveaway as December draws nearer but until then…
Firesoul is more than just a thematic teaser for the blog, it is also an incredibly important object in my written universe. As the center harness for all forms of fire magic. It is the generator that gives fire wielders the ability to wield. This teaser comes with a large release and the start of a big writing project I will hopefully be undertaking as the four souls come to completion. Because I don’t like baiting people for unknown lengths of time, each of the four souls will be revealing lore from my universe through pages uploaded to my website. The first of them, regarding fire itself, will be released upon the launch of the Firesoul campaign. Make sure to check my website/social media regularly for information regarding the changes, the new information and more importantly… the puzzle that I’ve laid out for my fans to solve.
Categories: Umbral Dawning