I’ve always had a penchant for getting in over my head, in fact, I’d wager that I’m a master at it. Whether it has been a job, or a passion, or a romance I have always been one of two things.
Too much all at once
When I love something, an idea, a person, a message, I throw myself at it completely and without abandon. I make it a point to drown in this thing that I love. With new friendships, I will suffocate you with my presence. With an idea, I will embody it until the line between myself and my philosophy grows thin. With my passions, I brainstorm and come up with these incredible ideas and they are incredible… for the moment, but I often fall to the curse of the creative mind and I never get around to them. My dive into things always lasts much less than I anticipate it to, and that is where I found my inherent issue with what I’ve been creating.
I never get around to the things I want. More accurately, I think, I want to get around to them. I just don’t set aside the time to get to them the way they need to be… gotten to. Does that make sense?
Back in 2012 when I started my business and blog and this whole ride began, I came to it with amazing ideas. Ideas that I still love to this day. I started half a clothing company, I started half a blog, I started half a YouTube channel, I started half a creative conglomerate. I’ve done half of a lot of things, hell, I’ve even published half a few novels.
In what free time I give myself I spend a lot of time thinking, in fact, this month I’ve done more of it than I think I ever have. I’ve considered the meaning of my business and my life mission. Which, if it seemed misleading, I had no idea what my life mission was until the latter half of this year. (Funny how I made this whole business around something I didn’t understand, isn’t it?)
I recoil when I think of all the small projects I started and then later failed, and I hate to come to you and talk about my failures. It doesn’t leave a good impression, especially to new readers, does it?
One I look back on fondly was The Revival of a City. This big promotional campaign I wanted to run, to sell shirts I hadn’t created yet. I fell in love with this idea.
A city made of clothing.
This place where people go, and they can purchase a shirt and get one for free to give to someone in need, or maybe I would deliver it to someone in need? I can’t recall what the original plan of Random Acts Clothing was. I’ve had so many ideas sometimes they get mixed up in my head. I dive into things without thinking them all the way through, which is what has happened to all my business plans. I set out to conquer and raise my flags across the world without understanding how big the world really was.
And I love that about myself.
Perhaps when RAC resurfaces, it won’t be RAC anymore. Perhaps there will be no City to revive there. Perhaps I will find a new settlement and fall in love with that one.
Recently, as is tradition, I’ve been participating in Inktober. Of course, to remain consistent, I’ve only done half of Inktober thus far. (Much less than that, if I’m being honest.) As I was searching for reference images for one of my pieces this month I was growing frustrated because I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I tried different keywords, I tried various places for reference. I figured if Pinterest didn’t have what I needed, and Google didn’t have what I needed, I guess I didn’t need it all that badly.
(Of course, I didn’t really think that, you should know better by now.)
I’ve come across this problem numerous times. I had great ideas for shirt designs but couldn’t find a reference for what was going on inside my head. I had great ideas for books but couldn’t find resource material to study, I’ve had great ideas for music but couldn’t quite figure out the key or the scale or the instrument I wanted to play it in, and of course, as things had grown to be, I couldn’t find a reference to base it off.
This kind of thing wears on a guy like me, with all these ideas and these lofty goals that I just know I’ll accomplish on time. (This is heavy sarcasm. In case you didn’t get that.)
I’ve been all over the place looking for references, others who have done things like I have at some point in their lives. Other places that have some kind of similarity to what I have in mind for this business and this whole orchestra of creative energy that is threatening every moment to burst forth from within me.
Truth is, I haven’t found it anywhere and that’s awfully scary.
I realized last week that I can’t find references for these things because no one has wanted to create in the same manner that I have. Of course, there are no original ideas, and everything is a copy, but I’ll be damned if anyone else is capable of creating quite like I am.
I know, I know.
“Alva,” you say. “You just complained about how everything you’ve made has been a half-cocked idea and not something I really care about.”
I know that. I’ve seen my impressions and I’ve watched the peers I grew up with subtweet me and make ignorant posts about my half-business all the time. And I watch it with glee because I understand the essence of my own failures.
Because I needed to release that half-cocked book or that half-built clothing company to get to this point that I am at today.
It’s really early where I am, and I am under a lot of personal stress. When I’m under a lot of stress, I create. It’s what I do best and what I have always done best. It’s what I will continue doing best, until the day that I die.
Creating is just as much a part of me as my own creation was.
I realized I can’t find references because no one has done what I want to do. If you’re wondering what I want to do?
Of course, that’s a lofty goal. I won’t get to do everything and that’s okay…
Because I’m sure as hell going to try.
I’m sure that no Cities will be Reviving within the next few months. Not like I imagined them to be. But that’s okay, because I have a better plan for all of those buildings now.
With the turn of my business year, I’ve repurposed a lot of my time and energy into the things that matter most. My girlfriend, my family, my friends. I’ve made it a point however, to work behind the scenes and make everything, and I really mean everything, better than it has ever been.
Random Acts Creations (Clothing) might still look the same, but I promise it isn’t. Dyzygy, the unpronounceable YouTube Channel is still around. I’m still working on content for that. Alva Tobias is still here and I am still going to give everything I can to everything I can.
If I’ve ever made a promise, it’s that.
Many things have changed in these six years, and I expected it. I thrived on it, I still do.
Those changes, all of the struggle of not knowing what I’m doing and what I built this all for led me to this.
When I started, my goal was to be among the youngest best sellers in the world. I was 18 at the time and convinced fully that The Darling Bones, which I’ve given a great amount of hell this month, was going to be the book that got me there. I knew that the story was good, but as I came to find out my writing skill left something to be desired.
This was all compounded by the idea that I was running out of time. Always, every ticking away the clocks inside of my chest were wearing thin. I was afraid, and on some dark days I still am afraid, that the gears within those clocks will lose their teeth just as I might one day…
But today is not that day, and as long as I am awake and alive, I have all of the time that I need to create an ever-sprawling universe that we will be able to peer into whenever we desire. And this time around, I’m going to do it the right way. I am here to help and to create, in whatever way I can.
I am here to prove that life is not meant to be awful.
There was a Revival this year, but it wasn’t what I thought it was.
It didn’t come in the dark in a city I built inside of my imagination. It wasn’t a sweeping revival of kindness across the face of my city. It wasn’t a ground-breaking change in my philosophy. It started small, like a fire. Like the first droplets of water from a crashing fall.
Out of control within my heart until I realized that the revival I needed wasn’t one I would concoct, and it wasn’t one I could invent within my mind.
It was a revival of my reason for this blog. My books. My business. My mindset.
The revival wasn’t for the cities I’ve tried to build already.
It was for me, so that one day, I may build cities for you that last much longer than I ever will.
I can’t tell you when, and I can’t tell you why, but the Mean Shadows are returning soon.
They have unfinished business with you. I will leave you tools to prepare for their arrival when I know how to defend against them.
Things change, situations change, people change, but you are always a constant unto yourself.
Never let go of your creativity, never let go of the love you have for who you are, cherish it and hold on to it. When it’s gone, it’s so hard to get back.
Take it from me.
2019 is the year that you will see everything I’ve been working on this year.
If you want to keep up, follow me on Instagram + Twitter:
See the website, the transformation is nearly complete.
and Thank you, finally, for being here every week.
Categories: Building Pyramids