In The Ring

The first blog post of February! This week I’m talking a bit about being angry, fighting, and fighting back. Make sure to check out the recap of the blog that will be coming out tomorrow on my YouTube channel Dyzygy!

I was once under an oath of peace. I took it first on a summer day after I had gotten into a fight with a coworker and told him I’d kill him if he continued acting in a way that would piss me off. The next morning when I rolled out of bed I realized that I was too comfortable with using phrases like “I’ll kill you.” And “I will beat your ass.” I was a person who would make empty threats. I rarely meant what I said, there were only a handful of situations over the past few years which would have pushed me to actual violence, still, I spoke as if I was always ready to fight and in extreme situations, ready to kill.

It didn’t sit well with me. So that morning I sat down at the foot of my bed and really thought to myself about who I was and what I had become. I had allowed myself to turn into the wrong kind of person. I was someone who would resort to violence rather than solving the problem. Then, after two years of my life had gone by in which I never hurt a living being. I didn’t step on bugs, or kill spiders, I didn’t hit my friends when I was playing around. I kept my hands and more importantly, my heart, to myself.

Then in the same day, I stepped on a bug and punched someone in the jaw. After I had broken my oath of peace, I grew bitter because I couldn’t uphold my own virtues. Forget the fact that I had gone two straight years without intentionally harming anything. Human or otherwise. I spent a few months in a dark place because of how hard I was on myself after the fact. The punch I threw was justified. The guy definitely deserved to be hit, but I realized after a while that I didn’t need to be the one to hit him. It sacrificed everything I had built my life around. So a couple months after that I went out to the canyon with my friends and adopted that oath of peace for a second time.

I lasted a few weeks that time. Eventually I had allowed my anger to take control of me and I slammed my fist against another living, breathing human being. That time, because he was “arrogant.” I take these things seriously. So when I hit the next guy, I began profusely apologizing. I had done so well for so long to control my anger. I would vent it into everything I could. My music, my books, my poetry. Somewhere in my storage unit I have a box full of bitter and angry poetry that I used to subdue my own hands and stop me from lashing out with violence, be it physical or otherwise. Somewhere after the second oath, I had stopped venting that anger. I let it consume my heart and eventually it began to show. There was nothing I knew to do outwardly to stop the sudden outbursts and the moments where I lashed out at loved ones.

Around this time, I grew disheartened because a musician who I have looked up to for his positivity for years had changed his style of music and had altered the way he behaved. I put so much weight into who he was to me that it actively changed the way I was behaving. I believed, however foolish that belief might have been, that because he didn’t portray positivity or happiness anymore then I didn’t need to either.

Then someone punched me in the ribs.

I was talking shit to someone and assumed we were having fun, when I said something that was over the line and a friend of mine wasted no time to deck me in the ribs. I doubled over because it had been years since I’ve really been punched. Plus, he was strong as an ox. It set my mentality into the correct scope.

I want to tell you that I am fueled by love and happiness and good thoughts. I mean, all of those things propel me forward. I know that I can utilize the feelings that I get from all of that positivity and it is certainly what I want to spread into the world, but it is foolish of me to think an oath of non-violence can be the magical key that makes me suddenly peaceful and happy. It takes a lot more work than that. There is much more that I am made up of than the desire to be peaceful and happy.

To tell you the truth, anger is the root cause of my passion.

I write because I am angry in the moments I have nothing to say.

I play music because I am angry there are so many ugly things in the world.

I write these blogs because I am angry that some days I feel lost, that I don’t know where to go.

Life constantly feels like I am in a boxing ring, getting my cheeks and jaw slammed into the ground by the heavy gloves of responsibility, creativity, duty as a citizen and so much more. I sometimes feel that power that comes from anger. I know that I am left with one decision.

I can either lay on the ground, sad because I have thrown my own arms to defend myself.

Or I can get up, brace myself for the swings I won’t see, and keep fighting back. I will take all the anger I feel for how unjust the world is, the anger for how broken I can feel some days. I will take it all and I will continue to repurpose it into something greater.

I don’t need an oath of peace or non-violence.

I need an oath that I will always give everything I can for everything I can. I will stand silently, and if in the future I am called to fight.

I will fight like the hell has broken into our world, I will fight like a bear protecting its territory and its children. I will fight.

I will fight for everything that reassures me the world isn’t as dark as it feels sometimes.

If you liked this, be sure to check out my website for updates on new poems and blog posts! (Along with tons of other stuff.)

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