The first blog post of February! This week I’m talking a bit about being angry, fighting, and fighting back. Make sure to check out the recap of the blog that will be coming out tomorrow on my YouTube channel Dyzygy!
I was once under an oath of peace. I took it first on a summer day after I had gotten into a fight with a coworker and told him I’d kill him if he continued acting in a way that would piss me off. The next morning when I rolled out of bed I realized that I was too comfortable with using phrases like “I’ll kill you.” And “I will beat your ass.” I was a person who would make empty threats. I rarely meant what I said, there were only a handful of situations over the past few years which would have pushed me to actual violence, still, I spoke as if I was always ready to fight and in extreme situations, ready to kill.
It didn’t sit well with me. So that morning I sat down at the foot of my bed and really thought to myself about who I was and what I had become. I had allowed myself to turn into the wrong kind of person. I was someone who would resort to violence rather than solving the problem. Then, after two years of my life had gone by in which I never hurt a living being. I didn’t step on bugs, or kill spiders, I didn’t hit my friends when I was playing around. I kept my hands and more importantly, my heart, to myself.
Then in the same day, I stepped on a bug and punched someone in the jaw. After I had broken my oath of peace, I grew bitter because I couldn’t uphold my own virtues. Forget the fact that I had gone two straight years without intentionally harming anything. Human or otherwise. I spent a few months in a dark place because of how hard I was on myself after the fact. The punch I threw was justified. The guy definitely deserved to be hit, but I realized after a while that I didn’t need to be the one to hit him. It sacrificed everything I had built my life around. So a couple months after that I went out to the canyon with my friends and adopted that oath of peace for a second time.
I lasted a few weeks that time. Eventually I had allowed my anger to take control of me and I slammed my fist against another living, breathing human being. That time, because he was “arrogant.” I take these things seriously. So when I hit the next guy, I began profusely apologizing. I had done so well for so long to control my anger. I would vent it into everything I could. My music, my books, my poetry. Somewhere in my storage unit I have a box full of bitter and angry poetry that I used to subdue my own hands and stop me from lashing out with violence, be it physical or otherwise. Somewhere after the second oath, I had stopped venting that anger. I let it consume my heart and eventually it began to show. There was nothing I knew to do outwardly to stop the sudden outbursts and the moments where I lashed out at loved ones.
Around this time, I grew disheartened because a musician who I have looked up to for his positivity for years had changed his style of music and had altered the way he behaved. I put so much weight into who he was to me that it actively changed the way I was behaving. I believed, however foolish that belief might have been, that because he didn’t portray positivity or happiness anymore then I didn’t need to either.
Then someone punched me in the ribs.
I was talking shit to someone and assumed we were having fun, when I said something that was over the line and a friend of mine wasted no time to deck me in the ribs. I doubled over because it had been years since I’ve really been punched. Plus, he was strong as an ox. It set my mentality into the correct scope.
I want to tell you that I am fueled by love and happiness and good thoughts. I mean, all of those things propel me forward. I know that I can utilize the feelings that I get from all of that positivity and it is certainly what I want to spread into the world, but it is foolish of me to think an oath of non-violence can be the magical key that makes me suddenly peaceful and happy. It takes a lot more work than that. There is much more that I am made up of than the desire to be peaceful and happy.
To tell you the truth, anger is the root cause of my passion.
I write because I am angry in the moments I have nothing to say.
I play music because I am angry there are so many ugly things in the world.
I write these blogs because I am angry that some days I feel lost, that I don’t know where to go.
Life constantly feels like I am in a boxing ring, getting my cheeks and jaw slammed into the ground by the heavy gloves of responsibility, creativity, duty as a citizen and so much more. I sometimes feel that power that comes from anger. I know that I am left with one decision.
I can either lay on the ground, sad because I have thrown my own arms to defend myself.
Or I can get up, brace myself for the swings I won’t see, and keep fighting back. I will take all the anger I feel for how unjust the world is, the anger for how broken I can feel some days. I will take it all and I will continue to repurpose it into something greater.
I don’t need an oath of peace or non-violence.
I need an oath that I will always give everything I can for everything I can. I will stand silently, and if in the future I am called to fight.
I will fight like the hell has broken into our world, I will fight like a bear protecting its territory and its children. I will fight.
I will fight for everything that reassures me the world isn’t as dark as it feels sometimes.
If you liked this, be sure to check out my website http://www.linmtba.com for updates on new poems and blog posts! (Along with tons of other stuff.)
Categories: Noose Ends