The last blog post for this month… It’s been wile for me, but I’m getting everything under control. February has some cool stuff in line. Don’t forget to check out http://www.linmtba.com for the updated Blog release schedule! (And the YouTube release schedule, if you’re into that. New vlog every Saturday!)
I recently found myself at the business end of a plate of Chow Mein, talking to my mother about life. I remarked to her about my week and the way things had been going for me recently, the stress built up over days of work I didn’t get completely finished. Moving out of my apartment. Hoping that a better job would fall into my lap and I would somehow make all of these plans I have come to fruition.
In short, I was dumb stressed.
I looked at that stress and forced it to take a back seat when I went to work that evening. I ended up on shift with someone who I was not exactly a huge fan of. This person and I didn’t have any inherent fights or squabbles between each other, I just didn’t get along with her. How she feels about me, I was not exactly sure. We worked, and did our thing and I found myself in a sour mood from the conversation topics earlier in the day. I allowed that frustration to fester inside me and I ended up showing it through my grimaced face with the words I was saying to coworkers. Still I continued feeding into that same anger even though I have full control and the ability to stop it and shut it down at any time.
I ended up leaving work still frustrated, and coming home to the same apartment I haven’t finished packing and cleaning. I sat at the same desk I didn’t get any work done at, and I let this blog post spin around in my mind as if the twirling of the concept would somehow materialize into an idea.
Then, a thought hit me. What if I were to be abducted by aliens right at that moment? What if a big saucer hovered above my chair and sucked me into the high tech marble headed Frisbee and carried me to space. When I got over the initial shock of the reality that if it did happen, I would quickly be receiving a cold metal rod, or worse, an alien finger inside my body in a way I was not prepared for (according to everyone that lives in New Mexico.) Then, afterwards, I realized that I would be considered dead. Like one of those old alien abduction movies. I would become some kind of Martian pin cushion for months and my friends and family would wonder what happened to me or where I went. This thought led me down a dark path and I began to wonder what would happen if every person I disagreed with vanished into the sky to get their colons plunged by a talking dog from Jupiter. I rejoiced in the concept and when my mind came back to earth I looked at myself in the mirror, kind of shocked at my pattern of thought.
The reason I told you this ridiculous story about sodomistic aliens, is because I was rooting around for something more important to talk about today.
Have you ever heard of the Fermi Paradox?
If you haven’t, it basically states the question “Where is Everybody?” to go into more depth for you…
Two physicists by the names Enrico Fermi and Michael H. Hart posed a question that exists as a paradox. It states that given the probability that there are other stars like our sun, if there are other stars like our sun, there is a good chance there are more planets like Earth. If there are more planets like Earth, there are other civilizations that exist elsewhere. If there are other civilizations, because their galaxies are older, chances are good that they are older as well. If they are older, they could have developed interstellar travel. If they developed interstellar travel, considering the size of our own universe, it could be traversed in a few million years. So, Fermi posed the question “Where is Everybody?”
The probability of other Earth-like planets that exist and harbor true life versus the amount of extra-terrestrials that haven’t visited Earth became a paradox. Basically, if there are so many other houses in our neighborhood, why have none of those home-owners welcomed us to the neighborhood?
I pondered this as I sat in my office, blank walls surrounding me, my PC humming quietly in the background as I came out of my fifteen minute walk through a Richard Gere + H.G. Wells fusion wet dream.
When I’m working hard, I go out every couple hours to smoke a cigarette and think. When I’m out, on a clear night I like to look at the stars. It has been a favorite past time of mine since I was a boy who hunter for falling meteors in the night time brilliance with my father.
Through the haze of smoke, I peer into the monolithic, incomprehensible vastness above me and consider the Fermi Paradox. I wonder why we haven’t been visited by E.T. life, but more than that, I wonder how much I reflect that paradox.
If I exist, and others exist, why is it that no one seems to connect with me the way that I connect with them? Sure, I’ve had the one off meeting with someone. The girl who stopped talking to me because she was afraid that her dad would hate me. The kid in college that started doing meth and rotted his brain out of his foolish skull. The boss who disappeared into the back hide of the countryside who I haven’t seen in years. I’ve had connections. I have experienced that magic of being united with someone else’s mind who vibrates in sync with the rattle inside my head that is constantly screaming “Writing!” “YouTube!” “Poems!” “Music!” “Cooking!” “Don’t be a dick!”
My friends and I are close too, but I often find myself wondering if they truly understand how much my work and my novels mean to me. Then, As I was out smoking while trying to figure out what to write next, I found myself thinking back to my coworker. The one I don’t care for.
I have done nothing but let my lips spew poison when I have been around them, when I see them, talk about them, what have you, I am always evil in the way I reference them. They did nothing to deserve that. They didn’t provoke that toxic mentality with their actions toward me. It came when I began to assume that I understood them. It came when I heard rumors, listened to my friends tell unflattering stories about them, listened to stories from people who have allegedly slept with them. I took so much of it at the value of the rumor and never looked beyond that. It was as if I was Earth, who had been begging the question “Where is Everybody?” and yet I failed to see the signs that no one even wanted to come here in the first place.
We are racked with war and dissention among companions. We are narcissistic and poisonous. We are destroying the very world we live and work on without a second thought. And I understood then, that I am just like Earth on my best day.
I am racked with war. Inside myself I battle every day to understand why I do so much, to fight one way or another, to work or to relax with the people I love because I know they haven’t seen me in days. I am filled to the brim with poisonous dissention for my fellow peers. One decision I deem unworthy and they are suddenly not worth my time. I let them die inside of my mind and that is it. I am destroying the very world I am working to build. It is as if I have been duplicated at the waist, crawling along the sidewalk I hope to build for others and give them a path through the darkness of life, but behind me there is my other half, spreading tacks on the wet concrete and breaking the stones that line my words. I realized in the stars the other day that the reason it feels as if no one has come to my house-warming party, is because the house I built was destroyed by the other half of me as I laid the foundation. Besides, if I had erected a house with the tools I was using then, it wouldn’t have been a warm house anyway.
If you like this, make sure to tell your friends about your alien brain. Especially if it helped you in some way. Some days all it takes is rebuilding your house a bit.
Make sure to follow me on Twitter + Facebook @alvatobiasbooks for blog/youtube updates and all around silliness. (and seriousness!)
Categories: Noose Ends