In episode 49 of HIMYM, Robin begins dating a guy who has a kid and it brings to light something that gets talked about a lot in life but in a sort of misty confusing way. Everyone has a but…
The means that when you’re setting someone up on a date you will feed them all of the positive qualities about the person and avoid the negative. i.e.
“He’s super kind and compassionate, he will stand up for you and he loves going on adventures…” Then their voice will trail off for a bit while they debate the ‘but’ Which, in this case, “…but he bottles up his emotions sometimes and he might seem really angry. Plus he spends like 90% of his time working in his bedroom and not saying anything to anyone.”
If you hadn’t noticed, that’s my but. I may not have gotten it exactly right, but you know what they say, you can never judge yourself. Your perspective is skewed.
Still, it is good to remember that you do indeed have a but. It could be huge, or it could be a collection of things, but I want to remind you (and myself) that we are not perfect beings. For all the amazing qualities that we have there are bound to be a few buts sprinkled within. You could be compassionate and sweet, you could love to stay in and read, you could be whatever you want to be, but you but is there too. You’re a whole package and when it comes to relationships we aren’t allowed to pick and choose.
…but she is immature.
…but she has commitment issues.
…but he is selfish.
…but he is always working.
…but she has 16 cats that she calls her “kids”
You can see how this list would pile on, and that isn’t meant to be hopeless either. What is a but to you might not be a but to someone else. As I seek love and I think as we all seek love, we just have to find people whose buts harmonize with ours. I spend 90% of my free time locked in my cave sleeping or writing in spurts and then the other 10% is spent at my job. I don’t often have free time to spare and my friends are all aware of that, so it would be foolish to chase after a girl who feels the need to go on a date every other day and it would be more wise to find one who is comfortable being at home and who has their own projects or things that they are happy to do while I work.
What is a but to me, is not a but to someone else. I have friends who would love to constantly be running around with their girlfriends getting into trouble or doing all kinds of silly things together. I enjoy those things too, but it isn’t a primary concern of mine. Next to my partner, my books are the most important thing to me. If I can’t work on them because the girl I’m with needs me to give her my undivided attention 24/7 then the relationship isn’t bound to work out. My mind does not function that way. At all times I am spinning new story ideas or plans/concepts for new projects. It’s something that is important to identify because a relationship will not go over well if you can’t see the other person’s but.
Consider finding out your but, especially if you have gotten into a bunch of relationships that don’t work out. Once you know what your but is like, you can move from there.
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