In the 46th episode of HIMYM, Marshall and Lily are quarrelling about writing “death letters” to one another to open in case of an untimely death. Marshall reads hers just after he writes his and finds that she only left him codes to her ATM and her Teacher Pension account whereas he wrote her a long and heartfelt letter. This spirals into a fight. Meanwhile, Ted and Barney are pretending to be from out of town so that they can sleep with some girls and Robin is dealing with her mood and lifestyle changes after returning from Argentina which eventually leads to her breaking up with Gael.
Life is as long as it is short. It’s something I’ve said numerous times before and will likely say numerous times still. It is something that I keep in mind as often as I can, as it reminds me to always be as open and loving as I possibly can with those around me. Still, there is so much that I want to say to so many people. Confessions of things I’ve kept inside for years. Admitting that I was wrong about an argument, what have you. There will always be something that you want to say to your loved ones and that isn’t something you can always just write into a letter.
I’ve considered the idea of writing “death letters” to my family and friends for two reasons, one because I am morbid and I find myself joking about my death a lot more than psychiatrists would say is emotionally healthy and two, because I want to know what I would actually say. To sit down with the mindset that you will die and you want to leave parting words to someone would be a sobering moment. I have considered it often, my friends and I joke around about how I treat my body and that I’m headed for the grave sooner than most. To them, I think it’s a real fear that they have. To me, it’s just harmless joking around.
Unless I actually do die soon in which case, oops. Refer back to this blog post for the apology.
“Sorry I died before you. I hope you do cool stuff after I’m gone. Also, Make sure someone gets to keep all of my books. I don’t want to separate the collection.”
Still, the reality of death is always haunting. As much as I can joke about it, it does put a bit of a chill down my spine. That everything could be over in a matter of seconds and I might not even know that my role is being cut from the play. I think about death a lot. In good light and it bad light. I have rested on the fact that no one in my life will ever know everything that I want to tell them, truly. I suffer from a strange paradox.
I am a writer who cannot always think of the words.
I think that’s why I choose to hide so many messages within the pages of my books and blog posts, because I can’t say some things out loud to someone without breaking down or choking as they escape my throat. It’s hard to tell someone just how much you love them when you can’t even see the end of your love for them. I know that seems like a cop out, and maybe it is. The lesson I took from this was an important one.
In this life, I cannot let myself hide the way I feel or think or the things that I want to say from someone. I hope that no one does the same to me. I want to let you know how I feel or if I love you or how much I have enjoyed you being in my life, as often as I can and with as much accuracy as I can before death comes knocking at my door. I want you to do the same for me.
If you love me, or any other person for that matter, don’t wait until they die to tell them. Don’t wait until I die to know how much I love you.
I love you. That is all there is to it. Whether I am dead or alive, I am writing you love letters every single day. I can promise you that much.