In the 45th episode of HIMYM, Robin returns from Argentina with a super hot new boyfriend named Gael. Which then prompts Ted to try and “win” the break up by hooking up with someone even hotter. That excursion leads to him getting a tattoo which unfolds into him meeting the next big love in his life, but more on that later.
As I’ve been writing this series I’ve come to this conclusion that HIMYM has been the most influential television show in my life, I might even go so far as to say the most influential piece of media I have ever consumed. There are so many days that I have felt like Ted, burned out and at the end of my rope. Wondering when the next good thing will happen to me.
Then immediately after that I have another realization. I am only 23 years old. I have so much life ahead of me and so many things that I still haven’t gotten to experience. I think that’s the most important part of growing up. I can’t pretend like I’m actually an adult right now. Sure, on paper I’m legally allowed to buy porn and cigarettes and alcohol but that doesn’t make me an adult. That comes from experience.
I simply haven’t had enough experience to believe that I’m “grown up” and I find it funny when I’ve spoken to people who were younger than I am who told me that “I’m so mature.” If you only actually knew what goes on inside my head. I collapse at so many things and seek out my mother, something which I would recommend to anyone who is stranded within their own mind, but I am on the verge of big changes in my life and I can’t assume that I know everything anymore.
In short, what I’m saying is that I am separating myself from my immaturity and my previous mind. My blog will change and my heart will change and my mind will change. The books I write will continue to grow and I will fall in and out of relationships in the future, but I need to remember that life is about balance. I haven’t had a break up like the one in the show I’ve been talking to you about. I can’t compare anything in my life to that, but I can tell you that it hurts like hell when I give my heart to someone and they deny that act. I’ve mentioned it before, I only have two speeds. Especially in relationships. I am either too much, too soon or nothing until it is too late. I’ve always been that way and I’ve come to realize that I can’t be. I talk so much about balance in everything and I find it so hard to find a balance there. In that one place. I can’t grasp the concept it seems, no matter how much I try.
I can’t give you my relation within the confines of this particular episode but I can still leave you with something…
It’s okay to be immature at times. It’s okay to scream at the top of your lungs to relieve anger or pain. It’s okay to cry when your heart hurts. It’s okay to feel hurt at all. We spend so much time trying to convince ourselves that we need to be strong all the time. If we are always strong, we can never experience weakness or defeat. I think it’s more apt to say “You should always be dedicated.” Because that allows you to be hurt. It allows you to feel pain and anxiety. It allows you to feel jealousy and to be too much too soon. It gives you a pass to not be enough. But after it allows you all of these things, it commands you to do something else.
To take the time ahead of you and to learn from your experiences. That’s what maturity is about. That’s why it’s so hard to grow up sometimes. That’s why I see so many people falling behind in relationships. We just don’t know how to do it correctly, and that is okay. There is nothing wrong with that.
Putting your heart on the line for another human being is the scariest thing we can do. It is the most frightening dragon of all, but what if you could clip that dragon’s wings and attach them to yourself?
What if when you fell, you could find the way to fly?
The only way to find out the answer is if we open ourselves up and truly experience those pains and those heartbreaks. The only way to know is to go through that and collect your scars and tattoos and memories. Then you can learn. You can stay dedicated to the things you wish for. You can take your heartbreak and use those shattered pieces to fly with the wings you stole from your fears.
There is no handbook to growing up or learning how to navigate this life. There never will be, but there will be little moments like the ones I’m going through now that will help you light your way forward. Little lamps, little drops of oil that you can find in the sadness you wept out three days ago. Little glimpses of hope that you can breathe in like bubbles between your pained gasps for air, searching for anything in this world that will keep you alive.
You can stay alive. You can fill your heart with love. You can succumb to those immature things sometimes. That is okay. As long as in the end, you know that you will win. Then you will win.