Overworked, Overplayed + Overcooked

If you read last week’s blog post you’ll know about some of the changes I’m making to Gravity, My Enemy. Basically, GME and myself have been in construction for years and they still will be, I want this blog and I want my own personal words to be a light to others who are lost or in the darkness. I want to be here to help people, but the world around us seems so shitty right now and it got to me. It started to wear on my heart and for a moment I began to doubt myself. That is something that we can never do. So I decided to combat all of the negative news and stories we constantly see, I’d put a couple links or pictures in the Friday series from here on out that will tell good stories. Things to remind you all that life is good. Things are good. That life is not meant to be awful. 🙂

Firstly: for all of my Pokemon Go players wherever you are, there is this wonderful app called Charity Miles that you can download. You select a charity and for every mile that you walk, they will donate .25 cents to your selected charity. You can also join a team, which means that you can roll around with your friends catching Pokemon, enjoying the sunshine, and raising money for charity all at once! There are currently 530 members in Team RedditPokemonGo in case you want to join us and continue doing something great for society and for ourselves. 🙂

So I’ve been dealing with some mental stuff the past few days. I’ve grown exhausted with the constant grind I’ve been on. Up + down and always running from one job to the next that I’ve got on my to-do list. That being said, it’s been the most fun I’ve ever had. After I got over myself of course. By that I mean that I was inside my own head. I was constantly stressed and bringing work drama home with me, not that the new job has been that dramatic, but there have been some moments. Most of which, were moments that I had made up inside my own head.

There was one night in particular where I was behind the bar by myself + getting annihilated, which irritated me, and then the servers came up and kept asking me for stuff and I was trying to tick it all off in my head without looking at tickets because it would have been a waste of time, then people came to the bar to get drinks because I wasn’t able to serve the drinks to them fast enough on my own. So on and so forth, the details aren’t important. What is important is how I was acting. I was snapping at my coworkers, my bosses, and even some customers.

Not cool, dude.

I realized this after the rush had finally ended and I made sure to go out and apologize to as many people as I could for my attitude, even a couple of the customers. This all stemmed from the ideas inside my brain. I didn’t want to work. I knew I was by myself that day and I was making excuses internally. “I can’t do this fast enough, I need help.” “People can go ahead and wait for their stuff, they are impatient.” Et cetera.

It didn’t occur to me until the end of the night that everybody was working their balls off, trying to make their customers happy and trying to do right by them. I wasn’t helping the scenario by getting pissy. When I got home that night I talked to my mom for a long time. In essence, she told me to get my shit together because there was no excuse.

Then, coupled with the stress I gave myself from the new job, I have been watching what has been happening in the news around me. The shootings, the terror attacks, the random murders. All of this terrible shit keeps happening and it put me in this dark place, this jaded, sad place. A place that I can’t allow myself to be if I’m to continue running the blog the way that I have been. After talking to my mom about the feelings of hopelessness, she encouraged me and reminded me what I’m here for. To help. To inspire. To love people. I can’t do that if I spend all of my time worried about what evils are on the horizon. It won’t matter what happens tomorrow if I don’t live like I have purpose today. So I took a night to realign myself and my mind.

The following day, I was working on my business cards and some other small projects with a renewed vigor, in the midst of the work I found an old YouTube channel I had started a couple years back with the intent of publishing music covers to get my name out there as a musician and I saw myself in a new light.

It isn’t the same as looking in a mirror, when you see who you were two years prior on video and you look at it for the full 3:56 and see all kinds of happiness and love in your own face that you just don’t see in yourself anymore…

It’s pretty terrible to witness.

It’s terrible because I have built my life on this idea that I need to be kind and happy and loving and then I’ve been none of those things for months, outwardly, sure, at times. Not inwardly though, and that is more important. The things that go on inside your head are the things that you will inevitably bring into the world. So I watched that video again.

I watched it once more.

I kept going and I didn’t stop watching it until I had remembered a list of things that make me happy. I put that list down and I made sure that I won’t forget it again. It’s going to be on my body soon in the form of a tattoo, because it is here to help me remember.

It’s here to remember why I need to love so much.

To remind me why I should be kind.

To remind me why I should be passionate.

To remind me why I should be humble and selfless.

It exists to remind me what I started this blog, this business, what I exist for.

I won’t soon forget again.

TI’s okay to trip and fall and forget where you are or what your purpose is, it will happen to all of us, but I urge you if you have found yourself in that place. Take a long look at yourself and your work. Examine every tiny detail that you hate seeing. Why is it there? What bad things are a part of you? How can you fix them?

I’d start by making a list.

If you like this blog post + want to see more things like it, follow me on Twitter, Tumblr or Facebook @alvatobiasbooks

Life is not meant to be awful.

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