So… I’ve been considering some changes to the blogs. Some of you have probably picked up on that I schedule them out and just let the posts from the other two series (Transitive Properties + Talking Floorboards) pop up whenever they are supposed to. This, in part is because I have bitten off more than I can chew + I don’t want my content to suffer, so rather than change the topics or the blog posts themselves to fit around the events of the world I just write what I can at the time + then let them flit around your eye holes when they have matured enough for WordPress to pass them as real blog posts. The Friday series is a bit different, in which I will modify the schedule to a new blog post or a different topic or even just a minor title change to fit in with the world around us, but this week man… what the hell? I’ve got more announcements at the end of this blog post but right now guys, we have to talk about something serious.
I’ve fought tooth and nail for a couple years now, trying to show everyone around me that life is supposed to be filled with goodness and with joy. I’ve been fighting and there have been tons of other people doing the same thing. There are so many people that I am associated with on social media that are fighting and trying and lifting our heads up just like we believe that we should, but the world is dark. It’s getting darker and darker by the day.
In case you’ve missed the information from lately, there were three shootings covered by the major media. The story of Alton Sterling, Philando Castile + the Police Force at the Black Lives Matter march in Dallas.
I watched the video of the Philando incident with my jaw hanging wide open and the end result left me in tears. I was crushed. It’s hard to talk about to people even. It is in moments like these that I bring you today’s blog post. I had a whole thing orchestrated for today about how happy you can be and how you should take the happiness that other people offer you because that’s what it is for. I was going to give my example of being capable of taking money from people without feeling awkward about it because of my job as a server. I was going to talk about all of this, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Not today.
I’m going to be honest with you.
More than anything… I’m becoming jaded.
I can see it in my everyday life, even in the little things that I’ve been doing. I find myself on the brink of snapping so easily anymore. I look at things that I used to love with a listless wonder. I stare at my phone for hours and don’t get anything done. I simply sit and run through the motions. I’m here to say I’m sorry.
I’m sorry to everyone in my life lately who I’ve lost my temper towards.
I’m sorry to all of the people that I’ve recently met who now think I’m an asshole because I couldn’t keep my shit together at work.
I’m sorry to my boys for being so short with you.
I’m sorry to every person who expected me to continue being a light in a dark place when I felt like I couldn’t spark.
I’m sorry for all of this and more, and I’m going to use today to make a change. This world has gotten so dark and so dangerous. It’s been tearing away at me and I’ve gotten frightened to see what will come within the next few months. I’ve subconsciously reached this place of apathy where I don’t act or smile because I want to. I do it because it’s what I’ve been doing for months. I’ve grown bitter at all the things that used to be so sweet and I won’t tolerate that from myself.
These recent shootings, along with the Pulse shooting and Christina Grimmie’s death, coupled with the deaths of a handful of celebrities and icons in my own personal life, filled in beside personal let downs and a handful of other things have eaten away at the kindness that I worked so hard to build up. That’s some bullshit, if you ask me.
I was watching a youtube video today by Phillip DeFranco and he brought up something that I have been feeling for a while. At the end of his Friday show he mentioned that we don’t have to pick a side. We can and should be pissed about all the lives being taken unjustly on either side. (heavily paraphrased) I want black people to keep living, I want police to keep living, I want gay people to keep living, I want kids and musicians to keep living. This hate and vitriol that has been pushed around our country is making me sick to my stomach. Last night I lost a lot of sleep because I was dreading this blog post. I came home from work this afternoon and talked to my mom about how I personally feel as if I’ve lost my guiding light and I don’t’ know what I’m doing anymore. She told me (like she always does) that I need to stand up and keep going. That I need to work through these things that are eating me up inside. That I have to find a way to continue being that light, if only to one person. I need to keep fighting because this world, this place we inhabit and these people that we inhabit it with are worth fighting for.
So, if any of you are in this same place, this heartbroken place where you feel as if you have no answers or if you feel like you’re at a loss for words or actions… we have a job to do.
This situation in our world is terrible, not just our country, but it’s more than a single group problem. The more we divide our issues the less impactful they are. We have a duty to stand and fight against the violence and the evils that we are witnessing day after day. There is always something that we can do. There are always ways to prevent this hatred. It won’t be easy to do, don’t think that.
I harp on my readers so much about love and passion and hope. I’m sure that they’re going to get tired of it soon, if they haven’t already, but there’s a reason that I do. That’s because it is the only thing possible that can help us. It is the only force powerful enough to put an end to this violence and this hate. We can’t keep doubling up murder with murder. The correct answer to Assault is not Assault. It is Defense. So to all of my readers anywhere you are, defend your brothers and sisters. Defend those that you love. Defend those that you dislike. Defend those that you disagree with. If they didn’t exist, neither would you. We have a duty today. For example, I have a friend at work who is wildly intelligent. She and I don’t agree with each other on a few topics, but I can still support her ability to believe what she wants to believe. As long as she isn’t hurting anyone, she can think how she chooses to think. The same goes for you. I’m sure that many of my readers don’t have the same ideals or opinions that I do, but we all exist in this world and we all have ways to believe.
We all have our own things to stand for.
I struggled a lot with this blog post today because I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how I was going to reach step B when I didn’t even know how to leave step A, so here you go. The official blog post, Rob a Bank.
This world around us is gigantic. So big that we can’t even understand where we sit in relation to it. We just know that we are in here somewhere. This life presents us with a handful of options. We can be upstanding citizens and people, always choosing to do what is morally right. We can be criminals and shitheads, choosing the fastest route to our goals and not caring about those we step on as we go. Finally, the most frequent, we can be a combination of the two. We can have good days and we can have bad days. We can help old ladies across the street one day and hold up a bank the next. The human species is made up of all kinds of good and bad. Even though it seems as if there are more bad days than there are good ones, there aren’t. There won’t be as long as we never lose sight of our goals.
We are fighting to live good lives. That’s what we have been doing since day one. Every action we have made has been to progress the human life. To make us stronger, wiser, better, smarter and so on…
However, one thing that seems to have been lost is the drive to make us more loving. The news has such a hayday with tragedy that it seems to be all we see anymore.
“Black man shot outside gas station.”
“Police killed by sniper fire, others injured.”
“Man killed by police officer when reaching for his wallet.”
“Singer shot by deranged fan.”
“49 people killed in gay nightclub.”
“Gorilla killed because parents weren’t paying attention.”
“Bombs go off in another country, many dead.”
“Privileged white boy rapes a girl and basically gets away with it.”
All of these headlines highlight the bad things in our world. They are all robbing banks. They’re robbing from you, you know.
These things are all important. They are something we should be informed about. See, we have this great big pool inside of us. It’s where we put all of the things that happen in our world. Good and bad go there. Lots of times, people will try to separate the good and the bad and keep them opposite. As it fills up, we will slowly forget one thing or another. There are only so many things that we can hold at once. If we overflow, we start to break down. If our bank is full of bad things, our breakdown is that much worse. We find ourselves jaded, angry, flatlining our emotions to deal with whatever is being pumped into our reserves.
Then these people come along to spread the bad news to you, which only fills you up with more evils. It makes your breakdown worse than before. It makes it hard to get up because you’re so sad, what’s the point? Today is going to be another awful day in another awful place and more awful things are going to happen before you lay back down to rest.
They stop you from seeing the goodness in the world. I know because that’s what I’ve been suffering from. I’ve been looking so intently for the bad that I’ve forgotten to refresh myself and remember that there is still so much good in the world. Which inevitably led to my breakdown. I had to clean all of that bullshit out of my vault and remember what belongs there.
Love. Hope. Inspiration. Happiness. Kindness. Patience.
When someone comes to you, don’t let them rob you of your joy. Don’t let them fill you with evil. Make sure that they walk away knowing that you still hope. You still love. You still believe that people are good deep down, behind all of the money and the shitty things we do. Believe in people.
You can’t give up, and I can’t either.
Mentioning the changes to the blogs before I let you go for today…
Starting next week I’m going to be looking for a few pieces of fun to inspire you, to remind you of the goodness in the world. Even if it’s only a cute picture to remind you that this world isn’t all bad, even if that is how it seems.
One more thing, I won’t be holding anything back any more. I am going all out with these. I can’t allow myself to hold my tongue for certain situations and I want to let all of you know. When things are hard for me, I won’t pretend, but I also won’t just sit around and let the wounds fester. I will fight my dragons and I hope that through my stories, you start fighting yours as well.
I love you friends. Don’t give up.
You are loved. You are important.
This world is good and bad, but lets make sure that the good stays. Evil is so easy it isn’t worth it.
Life is not meant to be awful.