Doubt (A.S.A.C)

Anger turns to sadness turns to anger turns to content.


In case you haven’t heard, a number of things have happened in our little slice of the world lately. First, The Rapist Brock Turner was sentenced to six months of jail time (Three if he acts like a good boy.) despite the fact that he RAPED a woman AND was caught. The judge seemed to think that just because the woman herself couldn’t remember what happened that she had no case to stand on, even though there were two men who came past and saw what was happening to her, when they jumped up and put a stop to it as soon as they could. To complicate things more, The Rapist Brock Turner also had been hitting on the victim’s sister earlier in the night and had been rejected by her twice, later deciding to single out the woman he had singled out (who was incoherent.) and take her out behind a dumpster to get (this is a real quote, I’m sure you’ve heard it.) “20 minutes of action.” The Rapist Brock Turner’s father and mother were awfully distraught that their son was so upset that his plan to rape a woman had been foiled. They were so distraught in fact that daddy-o had sent a letter that detailed the trials that The Rapist Brock Turner seemed to be going through. Some of which include: not being able to snack because he was sick to his stomach. Not being his normal self. Realizing that prison would potentially ruin his chances at a future in swimming. This all culminated in his final sentencing of six months with a bunch of addendums in his favor and at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if the piece of shit found a way to weasel out of registering as a sex offender. Of course, I can’t be sure. I’m so frustrated about that, but that’s all I’m going to say about it. The bastard doesn’t deserve more of my time. When I was all caught up on his story, something else happened that was completely unrelated but beat on my insides in a way that I can’t explain.

Friday, reports came in that a YouTube personality and musician named Christina Grimmie was shot and hospitalized Friday night after a concert that she had put on. Then, I read on twitter and through Philip DeFranco’s daily Youtube video that she had passed away. Let me preface this by saying that it used to bug the shit out of me when people start to act like a famous person’s death is personally devastating to them and that it impacts their daily routine to any degree.  That was, until Robin Williams died and my routine was broken up. I knew exactly what I was doing all day that day. I knew where I was and how I had gotten there, all the pieces were fitting together but something felt different inside my heart. I felt lost, despite knowing that I wasn’t. That has only happened twice in the realm of celebrity deaths. First was him, then, it was Christina Grimmie. I’m not going to pretend that I was a huge fan of hers or that I religiously followed her YouTube channel or performances on The Voice or anything. I knew of her vaguely and recognized pictures that I had seen. That was it. Yet for a reason that I couldn’t put my finger on, I was disrupted all Saturday. I found myself listening to her music and tearing up and crossing my arms and singing it as loud as I could inside my home. For a reason that I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t tell you why. Till that point I didn’t know her at all. Suddenly, she became all I listened to.

More than anything, I think that was because of her music. Every once and a while you can see or hear the passion in the things that someone does and dammit there was so much there. Then, I had gone to dinner with my friends. At dinner, I was told that the guy who owns our Teamspeak channel was personal friends with her and it sounded like she was planning a trip to visit him. I don’t think my friends noticed it, but at that point I snapped. See, Saturday morning when I was going to bed the reports were coming in and I briefly saw them before my eyes nailed themselves shut. When I awoke I grew angry at what had happened. I was more than angry. I was furious. Yet again someone decided that it was their turn to play God and take another’s life away from them. For no real reason. A few hours later I had calmed down and had just gotten sad about it. To see someone with that much talent and love for what they do to vanish just like that with no reason or justification kills me inside, whether I knew them or not. Then, at dinner, I heard about our friend and I got angry all over again. More angry than I had been before. I was furious. I still am. I can’t understand it and I sat in awe for most of the day.

I’ve been asking myself that question all day long.


It might not be the most tactful thing in the world to bring up both of these contrasting stories in the same blog post but I need to pull something from this. I’ve been trying since it all started. I’ve been trying to find a silver lining even though it seems as if this whole weekend has been a black hole for us as a group of people. As I’m writing this blog post, there are reports coming in about a mass shooting at a gay club in Florida. Last I checked, there were 20 victims. I haven’t checked since then because I can’t stomach it. I want to sit here and tell you that there is something that I can pluck from this weekend. I want to tell you that everything is okay and it’s just a brief passing of human evil…

But I can’t.

I can’t say that this kind of thing is rare.

I can’t say that this is something that will be forgotten.

I can’t tell you that there is good to be pulled from this all. Not immediately. For some, not ever.

That breaks my heart into tiny pieces. It does.

But I am going to do my best to fight this. With words, with my pen, with my spirit.

Lately in this world it’s been so hard to look out and find the good in humankind. It’s been something I’ve struggled with for so long that it’s become second nature. My heart seems to be breaking for my friends and family and all of these people I don’t know more and more every day. I’m not going to call for gun control or any bullshit politicized words that are going to trigger everyone who reads this blog post. We all have different ways that we think this situation should be sorted out, but I can’t tell you which way is the best way. For the first time in my life, “Just love people” isn’t an answer I can readily give because I’ve gotten so jaded and hopeless. I’ve grown cold and hard hearted by watching all of this.

Last night at dinner after talking about what has been happening lately, a friend of mine mentioned that “this is why I don’t believe in humans” and I nodded along like I always do when people say that, but last night I actually believed him. I agreed with him.

That pissed me off more than anything else before.

I am not that man.

I will never be that man.

I hope that you all can pull one thing from this. It’s the only thing worth salvaging from this nightmare in the news.

If we can’t depend on others to love, it should be up to us. If we want anything to change, then it’s up to us. We can’t just sit by and tweet and talk about all of these big things. We have to start acting. It doesn’t matter who you are, we will all feel jaded, we will all feel broken by the world we witness but I promise you…

There is good out there. I know there is. I’ve seen it.

Even though I haven’t been in the mind I’ve wanted to be in… I can still see it.

There will always be glimmers of hope in this world. That’s why the story about Christina Grimmie hit me so hard. I knew as soon as I listened to her that she understood something about life that I had forgotten. She sings a song about being broken and lsot and slipping away from yourself. I’ve had it on repeat for hours. When I want to bed I couldn’t sleep because it was stuck in my head and the lyrics broke my heart, because I realized how much of an impact she would have had in the world. Simply based on the only album that she had released and the number of YouTube videos that I watched of hers.

I don’t want to sound like I’m sensationalizing this and trying to make it some huge deal, but it is a huge deal. People like that don’t come around often, and if I want to talk about things that break my heart, that does more than anything else.

I tried to get to sleep last night, but couldn’t because I realized how hard hearted I’ve become in my own life. What happened was a tragedy. What is happening now is a tragedy. There will be hundreds more before you or I have seen our last day but through all of it, I hope that you remember one thing above all else.

No doubt can overcome love.

When the world around us fails, people like you and I will stand up, and we will fight.

We will fight with love.

Categories: Fighting Dragons

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