Hate and The Closed Throat

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I’ve pissed off a lot of people over the course of my life. I definitely didn’t intend to do it, but I’ve recently come to the realization that I have bad blood with so many people. Looking at it now, how much things changed and how much I’ve changed over the years, it breaks my heart.

From where I’m sitting today, I can tell you that I only want to see my friends and family and loved ones and all of you that only barely know me live happy + full lives. My attitude can get ahead of my mentality and for that I’m sorry. I am great at getting caught up in the moment, but it always seems to be the wrong moment.

When something huge is happening in my personal life, more often than not I’m wrapped up and trapped inside of my own business choices and the future of my novels and my blog and whatever else.

It could do me well to take a step back for a while and listen when people are talking again. I’ve been forgetting to listen. I used to be horrible at it, that’s why I pissed so many people off when I was younger. That’s why I made so many enemies. It wasn’t because I wanted enemies, in fact, I’ve always wanted to be surrounded in hordes of friends. I just didn’t’ seem to care enough about my surroundings to notice what kind of person I was becoming.

It’s weird when old things spring up and haunt you like this, and this blog post may not have a point at the end other than “don’t be a dick” but I can’t help it. I don’t always walk into these things with the mentality that I need to spread some kind of advice or lesson or idea. Sometimes Gravity, My Enemy might as well be my diary.

I was just thinking about some old relationships I’ve had in my life. I was out to lunch with a friend I rarely ever get to see and I brought up a mutual friend from high school and went on this tirade about how much I hated him because of all the stress he’s caused me and all of the problems his influence had created for me in high school. Then, he moved and I haven’t really seen him since. It got me thinking, why do I still have that mean streak inside of me?

I had no valid reasoning to hate him so much then. I certainly have no reason to dislike him now. He simply isn’t a part of my life. More of an echo than anything else. I occasionally see him on social media and I occasionally hear about his life and how he is doing, but the occasion is never right for me to react the way I do.

I generally react by flying off the handle and talking about how much I dislike the kid. I don’t really hate him, by any means. I just don’t think he is someone I wanted in my life. Of course, when I was a kid I didn’t care what words escaped my lips and I frequently said things that hurt other people. I liked to use the word “hate” a lot. Which is a shame, because it’s a vile word. Worse, to me, than any profanity. Of course, I speak like a sailor so my viewpoint is kind of skewed. Probably for the worse. I think that hate is something more powerful than we can describe. It’s considered the antithesis to love, and love is impossible to truly define or understand. It is simply something we feel. I view hatred in the same light. We wantonly throw these words around as if they don’t hold this enormous gravity.

As I’m sure most of you know by now, I am a Christian. I’m admittedly a pretty terrible one, but something about this idea of hate has been tugging at my heart. As I wrote this blog, that pulling got stronger and seemed to give me a direction.

First things first, I want any of my readers to know that I’m not trying to preach to you. I know how quickly some people revolt when a bible verse is mentioned, some of them go as far as pulling any support for future projects that come from our hands. So, please don’t mistake this as me trying to preach to you or me trying to convert you. You are fully able to make your own decisions and I support your ability to choose. However, I am going to be quoting a bible verse in this blog post because it’s the best evidence I can use to explain the pulling on my heart.

1 John 4:19-20; We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, “I love God” and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.

I love this verse, despite the fact that I found it shortly after doing a “Bible verses about love and hate” search on Google. It says something powerful. As I mentioned above, I am a proclaiming Christian, who follows the guidelines of an old book that I believe is holy. Because of that, I am called to stand tall and to love others and to be strong in the face of adversity or wrongdoing, yet, here I am, openly telling a friend that I hate someone.

It is a hard thing to think about when you realize that you aren’t all you are cracked up to be. The fall hurts more than you think. See, I’ve built this business on love. I have built it on Christian principles that I have founded and that I try my best to follow. I started this blog to bride the religious ideas inside of me with the peaceful and loving worldview that I am trying so delicately to foster.

I don’t know if this blog post will get to you the way that it got to me, but I hope it does get there in one way or another.

We should be careful of the words that we choose to use. We should be mindful of our mentality and our presence and the strength of our will. We should be mindful of the words we are about to say.

Above all, we should be full of love. Christian or not. We are all human. We are all important. We all deserve to give love, not necessarily because of the person we are giving it to, but more for the place that it is coming from. When you can love, it opens up your ears to understanding. It opens your eyes to the tiny details we miss. It opens up your mouth to compassion and it opens up your heart to peace.

There is no room in a hateful, closed throat and soul for peace. There is only room for darkness.

Just a side note, if you liked my old story “Frogs are Good Luck” on Creepypasta, I have a favor to ask! A friend of mine over on Twitter has started a YouTube channel called “Creepynomies” and she has just released a reading of my story! If you guys could pay her channel a visit and listen to the video and give it a like (or even subscribe to her) for me I’d really appreciate it! She is just starting out, but she did a good job telling this story and I’ll hope to be working with her more in the future.

If you enjoyed this post and can’t seem get enough, you can pick up a copy of the “Life is not Meant to be Awful” compilations to read at your leisure. Each volume is only $8 + you can find them here!

 

Thank you, as always, for keeping up with my words. If you enjoyed this please like it and share it with your friends, lets make a big group of happy people together! 🙂

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