Monster Growing Older

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My 23rd Birthday was yesterday, and while you’re reading this I’ll most likely be party recovering from a night of drunken shenanigans with amazing friends. Ever since I started listening to Blink-182 in high school, I was super excited for my 23rd birthday because I felt like once I hit this mile mark, somehow I would have some new lease on life. Well, the high school version of me wasn’t wrong. I definitely have a new lease on life. The funny thing about my birthday this year is that it snuck up on me. I never used to let that happen, because I always anticipate my birthday so much because of the party and the fun and the friends, it’s always been a big deal to me. This year however, my mom pulled me into the garage on the 28th and asked what I wanted for my birthday and I just kind of ambled around some ideas I’ve had. It’s weird to me because it’s the first time I’ve ever completely forgotten my birthday. I think it comes from how busy I’ve been lately, and how much I’ve had on my mind. Some stuff I’d like to talk about today.

Lately, I’ve been thinking of the niche that we all fit in to. Every person sort of has this place that they get labeled whether they want to or not. For a long time I was the hippy kid. Before that I was the awkwardly scene/not scene kid in high school. I was thinking a lot about the idea of being a “hippy” and how bad of a rap it gets constantly. I look at the people I consider hippies and laugh because if the people that don’t like me talking about peace and happiness ever met them, they’d collapse. It’s just interesting to consider other’s perceptions of you. I never really thought I was a hippy, and for a while there I fought really hard to be excluded from that group of people until I woke up one day and realized that it doesn’t matter even a little bit.

People are going to put you in a box based on what they see from you, that box will then expand or break open altogether because of your own actions. It isn’t up to you to determine how the world sees you because they will all choose their own way. Despite the time and effort I put in to being a happy individual, if someone I don’t’ know that well sees me on a bad day, they could just assume I’m an asshole. It’s what happens. I’ve thought quite a bit about this juxtaposition inside my head, where I want to be this source of love and light and laughter to everyone around me, to be the hippy that everyone I’m close to thinks I am. Then there is this other side of me that constantly writes about horrible things. Monsters, murder, blood violence, hatred, what have you. I’m always working on developing characters and story points, and not all of it gets to be a happy joy filled adventure. A lot of what I write and what I want to write is really sad, and really violent or dark, it’s just part of the story. I think that comes with age, too. I finally know how to deal with all of my negativity and my emotions that I don’t want to show. I’ve talked about it a ton, but I’ve never brought up this feeling that as a person I fall somewhere between peace loving and happy, and monstrous and angry. It’s a fine line between the two for me because I so often fall into storytelling and world creation. Where all of those dark things come to light.

It is interesting growing older, because even though I don’t feel different and don’t look much different, my brain is in an entirely different place than it was last year. My heart is still pushing towards the same direction, so I guess in the long run I haven’t really changed much. I still want to be happy, over everything. I still want my last words to mean something… but I’m also still fighting these dragons, and I won’t give up. If you happen to read this on the day of the release, tweet me a happy birthday. Let’s talk about things. Big things, little things, happy things, sad things. Just… things. What makes you tick? What are you afraid of? Is there a monster hiding inside of you too?

It’s all okay. It’s all a part of life. Just remember two things… first, don’t let those monsters win. And second… as I always say….

Life is not meant to be awful.

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