HIMYM Series 18: Late Night Holes (S01:E18)

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The 18th episode of How I Met Your Mother has one big message… “If it’s after two A.M… just go to bed.” It’s detailed by Ted screwing up his relationships with Robin and with his girlfriend at the time, Victoria. This blog post might hit you in a different way than my ones previously, because it’s about something I’ve been dealing with a lot in my life lately.

I’ve spent a lot of time awake after 2 A.M. I choose to do so because it is calm and quiet and easy to work, but in that same note it gets pretty lonely. I’ve spent more nights than I’d like to share sitting up in my office typing out something new with a somber look on my face, knowing that the next morning is on its way and that I’ll feel better when the sun comes up, but there is something special about that lonely silence. There is a profound message there that I can clearly see. It’s just hard to decipher some nights.

Some nights, when I’m awake at 2 A.M. I reach out to someone who might still be awake, and I strike up a conversation that I won’t remember. Sometimes it’s honorable, but most days it isn’t. It’s there to fill some void that grows and shrinks as each hour passes.

Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of jokes on the internet about guys hitting girls up after 11 P.M. and that it’s a rule of thumb, if he only calls you late then he only wants ass. Well… that’s pretty spot on.

It’s a shame though.

It’s a shame that so many men and women fall into that. Not because they want to be sexually active or because they don’t know what to do with themselves. It’s a shame because I know some people who are like me in that respect. Some people who I love with all of my heart.

When 2 A.M. comes around, if you feel like I do, don’t seek temporary love or companionship. It isn’t something worth finding. The next day, when you wake up, that companionship will most likely be gone again and you’re bound to find yourself in another 2 A.M. call, like I am. It’s a vicious cycle that doesn’t repeat itself. It’s that hole that shows up when you least expect it to and it claws at your insides.

There is this big hole in a lot of people I think. It stems from loneliness, sure, but there is more to it than that. Recently I’ve been getting hit up by a number of ex flings for various reasons, some of them just miss me and want to spend time with me, others want advice.

It’s strange to me that they all came at once, as if I haven’t been here the whole time, and hadn’t looked at them at one point with my arms out, waiting for some kind of sign from them. Of course. That’s probably a fault of mine, but regardless. That isn’t the point that I’m trying to make.

The point that I’m trying to make is this…

Those emotions that you feel late at night, that make you feel like you’re alone or make you feel like you aren’t good enough, those emotions that make you forget who you are… They aren’t real.

If you’re anything like me, then take this to heart because this is important.

When you look at your clock and see that its 2:37 in the morning… don’t pull your phone out to get ahold of an ex-lover. Don’t look at yourself in the mirror and try to talk yourself in or out of anything. Just finish your drink, climb into your bed and shut the lights off because at 2 A.M. we start believing in things. Like the idea that we aren’t worth effort. We start to think that a night with some stranger will make us feel whole. We start thinking about all of the things that we can’t understand. The things that we don’t want to understand. The things we don’t want to face in the daylight.

If I’m evidence to any of it, know that those feelings aren’t real. It’s exhaustion and loneliness mixed together, it is your own head lying to you. If you’re like me, and you get worried late at night. If you start to tell yourself that someone else’s bed will fill in these shallow holes inside your soul… just climb into your own nest of pillows and blankets and pets, turn your light of and go to sleep remembering that you are enough.

You are more than enough, and no shallow late night feeling is going to take that away from you.

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