The Lost Boy

So, this week I wanted to get serious about some things. Some personal things that I haven’t given the proper time to roost inside of my heart.

I’ve been working double time trying to get so many things planned and plotted out, and I haven’t had much time to think for myself. I haven’t listened to what my heart has been feeling because I’ve been so caught up in all the work. That’s not to say that it’s been bad, I’ve been so at peace writing these books and exorcising these old demons, but as I’ve been getting rid of all the old ones… new ones have been filling their spaces.

I haven’t been the man I want to be, as of late.

This month I’ve been reading through my blog compilations, trying to get them edited up before their release. The first one, “Last Words” hit me really hard. At the time of writing this, I haven’t even opened the second book, which I know will be worse, because since 2014 my mentality has been steadily declining. I don’t bounce around and I don’t always smile like I should.

I’ve grown, through all of this work, to become sort of half minded and arrogant. I’ve actually begun taking the advice of people who don’t see the world like I do. Which, let me preface this by saying… that isn’t a bad thing. Not in 99% of the cases that it comes up. What I mean is, I’ve been listening to closely with people who don’t love the world around them like I do. I’ve been listening to the downpour of bitterness and anger coming from some of my peers, and it has relit the angry fire inside of me that I have worked so hard to keep quiet.

That’s some bullshit.

So, this blog post is my formal apology to everyone reading. I have been so unlike myself, that it is making me feel ill. I’ve been reading posts from this very blog, only two years ago and they have reminded me what I started doing this for. I started this whole production company so that I can spread the good news with other people. The good news that life shouldn’t suck. Life is not meant to be awful. It’s in the name, even, and I of all people have been ignoring it.

I’ve been missing a lot of familiar feelings lately, and in part it’s because people are changing. We all are growing and getting busy with our lives and my friends are doing stuff and we don’t see each other as often as we used to. While this has been happening, I’ve been noticing this sort of mental block. It isn’t that I can’t write blog posts anymore, it definitely isn’t writers block, but there is something there.

For the past two years, when I’ve written a blog post I have been able to feel a deep emotional connection to it. In a way that I can’t exactly describe. Something about the words I say make them feel alive to me, and it is because of that life that I realized I had this wall around my head. I was writing blog posts for this month and they didn’t connect the way that they used to. I think that there are a lot of reasons for it, but first and foremost…

I’ve been in my own head too much.

Since November of last year, I’ve been working my ass off. Every day that I wake up I jump from small job to small job and have been knocking out tasks on the bullet list one by one, but I sort of fell into the trap that being busy comes with. I started this whole deal to spread a good message, a message that I truly believed in and that message has been lost in the signals inside my head. The message that Salt + Iron was meant to send was clouded inside of me because I fell out of the state of mind that I need to be in, I began letting little things that don’t matter get to my mentality.

I’ve forgotten where I was going, but something made me remember it.

The other day, my friends and I were talking about J.K. Rowling’s new installment in the Harry Potter Series, and the reactions were varied. As a group of kids who all like Harry Potter, we were either psyched to hear about it, or jaded because of the news. There was clue number one. I was one of the jaded ones. As the conversation continued I didn’t contribute much as I was working on editing LINMTBA Vol. 1, some of the boys mentioned JKR milking the series for more cash, which was a thought that I had.

Then, Travis came in, once again, saying things that set my ass in line and this time he didn’t even realize it. He mentioned that she probably is continuing the series so that the fans of HP have more enjoyment from it. There is was. Clue number two that led to unlocking whatever it was inside my head that had me trapped up for so long.

See, in order for you guys to understand I might have to go a bit farther back than this…

A while back, I moved out of my parent’s house. Around this time, our group of friends grew larger and larger almost with every month. There was a new person that we surrounded ourselves with and there was always someone at my apartment. Because of this, it made it incredibly difficult to work because I always wanted to be out with my friends having fun. Eventually, I looked at my bank account and my plans for the future and knew that I needed to move back home to gather money so that I could accomplish everything I was trying to accomplish. So I moved out and began living with my parents again.

This came as a double edged sword. I was capable of getting a monolithic amount of work finished. (In the three months I’ve lived here I’ve written two whole 90K word novels and also have set up plans for five or six new ones, as well as a host of other things involving Salt + Iron.) However, all of this work came at a price I didn’t expect. Because my friends and I had all found things to do in our lives, we all became busier and busier with every passing day. This led to me not being able to see my friends as often as I had gotten used to. I was busy when they were free and vice versa. Before this, I had already grown jaded because I wasn’t able to work as much as I wanted to. There was clue one.

Then, as I was sitting at my desk working on the edit, the conversation was continuing and Travis brought up his piece after I had started agreeing with the idea that JKR was just putting out more content so that she could get more money.

Then, it clicked in my head when I automatically responded to myself…

“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”

It was as if everything closed up in my mind. I shut off all of the things around me and really thought about it. My mind acted on its own and brought to light something that I never wanted brought to light.

See, over this past year I’ve been doing the best that I can. Working hard when I can, and getting by. I’ve been set on coast mode because I have so much to do, it would be easier to accomplish if I didn’t think about what I was doing. There is the problem. I’m not thinking about why I started this whole thing in the first place.

I’m not doing this for money. Sure, I need to sell the products to be able to release more products, but this isn’t for a paycheck. It is so much simpler than that. Somewhere along the line I started believing that I was doing all of this stuff to become rich and famous. Sure, if it comes I’m going to go for it, but right now that isn’t why I’m here.

I’m here to be happy, and I’m here to celebrate life with the people I love.

Something I haven’t properly done in some time, because I’ve allowed my head to grow bitter and angry. I’ve let myself fall off the tree and roll around the lawn until I’ve become moldy.

Well that’s some bullshit.

I am constantly honored and humbled by the men who I call friends, because I love them with all of my heart. These dudes have a way of getting to me without even realizing it, and I am so honored to know them. Because of that conversation, I decided to write this blog post. I had another one planned for today, but that’s okay. This one needs to be brought up first.

The first step in solving something is identifying it. Well, I have found what has been nagging at me in secret, in dreams, in the back of my head for weeks now. I have lost my way.

But I can promise you one thing…

I’ll be searching for my way back as hard as I can. I’ve got a long road to walk, and I’ve got a lot of people left in this world to thank.

I’ll make it, I promise. I’m sorry that I was so confused for a while.

2 replies »

  1. You need not apologize for your confusion, Alan–it’s all part of this glorious journey you’ve decided to take; the fact that you learned from it and are moving on? Just icing on the cake!! Stay strong. Be yourself. Know I love you, trust in you, believe in you, and am very, very proud of you!


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