I’m pretty far from perfect. That’s a safe assumption. Looking back on my previous blog posts can tell you more than you need or perhaps want to know about me, so if you’re new here, or curious about my history in the world… you can head over to the old site, or for a couple bucks you can pick up my blog compilations and get a glimpse into me as I’ve grown and (hopefully) matured into the person that I am today. That’s what I want to talk about. Growing up. Again.
I like to rehash a number of things on this blog, because I feel like they’re important. Growing up is one of them. I’ve talked about this a few times and I want to do it again because I think right now, somebody needs to hear it besides myself. A while ago I was talking to my mom about how my group of friends is changing and it’s wonderful, and this group of internet friends I’ve had since middle school is growing up alongside us and it just blows me away. Back then, I was a pretty ignorant, pretty arrogant kid. I’ve grown less ignorant, and hopefully less arrogant by seeing all of these people do these incredible things with their lives. Multiple friends have gotten married and are living with their spouses and creating these brand new lives, and one is going to college to become some neuro-psychologist-scientist-surgeon or something-or-other powerhouse. One has recently started designing custom made bras for her friends, one is a mother, my friends at home are all doing good things too. Getting married, finalizing their degrees, starting businesses, getting into relationships and all around, we’re all getting happier.
It astounds me that there are people in this world that have told me that they don’t want to live past 29.
My age group seems to have this… desire to never grow old. If you ask me, I think it’s a fear. But I don’t know. The thing that I do know is this. We are just starting out in this life. We have by and large just hit 23 and there is so much to do, so much to see, so many beautiful things to experience in the remainder of our years.
I can understand the emotions that people have when they commit suicide. I can. Some of them legitimately feel like the Earth would be a better place without them. That they don’t matter or that they are unimportant and I’m here to tell you something.
You are important. You are art. I hope that you get better and I will do whatever I can to help get you there, just know that I love you. To death and beyond.
To my friends who have told me that when they turn thirty they will just end their lives…
I don’t get it. Maybe for some it’s a joke, but I’ve seen the look in your eyes when you say it. You mean that. It breaks my heart into pieces. So… for the sake of all of us, stick around. Maybe telling you this now won’t matter, because a lot can change in ten years, but you are so fiercely loved. So beautiful in the way you live. Sad beauty is still beauty, no matter how you cut it. There are millions of kinds of art and you are one of those kinds.
I hope that it isn’t fear that is making you feel this way, if it is and you’re close to the edge, stick around for this year. Let’s work through it together. Let’s answer all these hard questions that you haven’t found the answers for yet because we are just beginning. In nine years things will be dramatically different, but one thing is for sure. In eight years, I will still love you. Regardless of who you are or what you have done, there is a light inside of you that deserves to be loved. You deserve to be cherished and praised for simply existing. This world is terrifying. I’m almost 23 now, and I’m excited for the next seven years, because I will be creating things and loving people and experiencing everything and my life then will be entirely different that it is now. It will be entirely different than it was six years from now. This is a letter to everyone struggling. To everyone who feels like it’s all collapsing and falling down around them. Don’t do life on your own. We were meant to be around each other, that’s why there are so many of us with so little room.
As small as this world is, it’s also vast and large and still full of so much mystery. Not long ago we found a planet in the galaxy that is extremely hot on one side, and absolutely frozen on the other. It is locked in a rotation against its parent star that causes this, and it is degrading slowly over time. Sometimes, you might feel like this star. Feeling both on fire for something and cold inside all at once. I know, because I do too. But I promise.
Even five years from now, you still have hope to do amazing things, just by being alive.
Maybe you’ll meet them in four years, the person that says exactly what you need to hear. The person that is there for you despite everything you think you are.
Maybe they’ve been standing nearby for three years, wishing they could help, wondering how to get to you.
Maybe in two years, things will get so much worse and you will feel like giving up even more than you have before. If that’s the case, please hold on…
One more year.
All of us, all of us are galaxies stuffed into bags of skin and bones that doctors sectioned into zones. They try to make us a scientific experiment. Try to label everything like old pottery in a downtown thrift store. But those people, deep down, are labeled too… Just like me and you. I know that they see that inside of us, the labels that say we aren’t good enough, or that we are sick, or mental, or broken. We might be. But we haven’t fallen yet. All those pots in that thrift shop are still standing. Picture a nice old lady coming past every day to brush you off, to pick you up and inspect you to make sure that you don’t have any new cracks, and when she sees some, she takes you behind the shop and fixes you. With tender hands and care like you’ve never imagined.
A lot of people have explanations for who that lady is in this metaphor. But I think that she is simply the feeling of love. The feeling that we are not alone in this world, no matter how alone we feel. Because we aren’t just ceramic pots in a dead thrift store. We are time capsules. All of us, waiting to be opened by someone. A friend, a lover, a stranger with a golden soul.
We are waiting for a day to come in which we will be understood and loved and cherished and recognized for the art that we really are and I want you to wait until we are opened. I want you to fight for it. I know you are tired, and I know you feel like falling down and staying there, but find things that give you energy. Find the stability in your life so that when your world shakes, it no longer threatens you to fall from our dinged up old table. Find something or someone to love with all of your soul. Find a way to make art, and fill yourself with that. Art doesn’t just have to be music and books and paintings and movies. It can be anything. Your intellect, your ability to engineer things. Your capacity for reciting lines of code for webpages. The way your eyes glint when your children come home, the passion you put into your woodworking or your plumbing or your anything.
Everything in this world can be art. You just have to find something and do it passionately. For one more year, every year. Things will get better. I promise.
I promise. And I love you. If you’re afraid like I am…
Put all of your passion into making a blade and use that blade to fight all those dragons and fears and monsters that haunt us. Use your passion to drive away the darkness.
Sometimes… it’s all we can really do, just know that when you’re in that place and everything evil is bearing down on you… know that I am right there with you. For one year, for two, for five, for ten… forever. I might not be much, but you will always have me.
Don’t give up. Keep fighting. One day, when you’re older and have all of this passion, someone will open up that time capsule and see you for everything you are. A friend, a lover, a stranger with a heart of gold who could become either. Just keep filling yourself with passions and dragon scales. Take note of every battle you’ve won, so you can be the grizzled old warrior in the pub that all the young adventurers flock to, to talk to about life and adventuring and dragons. You can share your stories as other’s stories have been shared with us. One day, despite all you are going through… one day, you will be that light to another. Continue fighting and please, continue fighting.